Subject: E-ZINE: SUPER STUPID SIDESHOW #1 (SPRING 1994)

From: [email-masked] (Jack Szwergold)
Date: 5 Apr 1994 11:51:51 -0400

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| ****  **  ** *****  ****** *****     | the faith healers      |
|****** **  ** ****** ****** ******    | art supplies           |
|**  ** **  ** **  ** **     **  **    | bratmobile             |
| **    **  ** **  ** **     **  **    | chewing gum            |
|  **   **  ** ****** *****  ******    | unrest (r.i.p.)        |
|   **  **  ** *****  **     *****     | chris ware             |
|**  ** **  ** **     **     **  **    | barbara manning        |
|****** ****** **     ****** **  **    | chocolate              |
| ****   ****  **     ****** **  **    | chardonnay             |
|                                      | conan o'brien          |
| ****  ****** **  ** *****  ** *****  | pac-man fever          |
|****** ****** **  ** ****** ** ****** | a.a. milne             |
|**  **   **   **  ** **  ** ** **  ** | new york city subway   |
| **      **   **  ** **  ** ** **  ** |                        |
|  **     **   **  ** ****** ** **  ** |                        |
|   **    **   **  ** *****  ** **  ** |                        |
|**  **   **   **  ** **     ** **  ** |                        |
|******   **   ****** **     ** ****** |                        |
| ****    **    ****  **     ** *****  +------------------------+
|                                                               |
| ****  **      ****  **   ** *****   ****   ****  **  ** +-----|
|****** **     ****** *** *** ****** ****** ****** **  ** | S 1 |
|**  ** **     **  ** ******* **  ** **  ** **  ** **  ** | P 9 |
| **    **     **  ** ** * ** **  ** **  ** **  ** ** **  | R 9 |
|  **   **     ****** ** * ** *****  **  ** **  ** ****   | I 4 |
|   **  **     **  ** **   ** **  ** **  ** **  ** ** **  | N   |
|**  ** **     **  ** **   ** **  ** **  ** **  ** **  ** | G   |
|****** ****** **  ** **   ** ****** ****** ****** **  ** |     |
| ****  ****** **  ** **   ** *****   ****   ****  **  ** | #1  |
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|    [ the ultra fun e-zine for people who demand quality ]     |
+---------------------------------------------------------------+

     Welcome to the very first issue of SUPER STUPID SLAMBOOK! 
     It's an e-zine that I've put together to review various
     eclectic things that I think deserve reviewing.  There is no
     high and lofty goal in the pages of this thing.  In fact,
     the only goal is to let other people know about things that
     are either (a) really good or (b) horrendously bad.  That's
     it.  Lofty goals aren't my forte.  But sharing information
     is always a good thing.  If there's anything you'd like to
     share with me, you can drop me a line at the addresses
     listed below.

     Take care, and have fun!

     Your bestest e-zine pal,

            /       \  /
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| [ E-MAIL ]                                 [ STANDARD MAIL ]  |
| [email-masked]                              P.O. Box 242       |
|                                            Village Station    |
|                                            New York, NY 10014 |
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TITLE: imaginary friend (CD LP)
ARTIST: th faith healers
ADDRESS: Elektra/Too Pure (If you can't find a decent record
store that sells stuff from this branch of the Time/Warner tree,
you live too further out in the boonies than you think.)
PRICE: I paid $10.99.
Wow!  I (heart) this CD with all my being!  It is just so much
fun to listen to!  A tad less aggressive than their last LP,
(_lido_), but that doesn't mean it's bad.  No way.  This thing
kicks. Tracks that get me going include _kevin_ and _the people_. 
Tracks I can live without include... Uhhh... Ummm... nothing!  I
truly love this thing.  I even love it more for having a 40
minute (yes forty minute) version of a song on it as well as a
"bonus" track hidden 10 minutes after the last track.   FYI, be
on the lookout for both the "long-long-long-song" gimmick and the
"mystery-bonus" track thing on this release.  The long-long-long-
song lasts forty minutes (yes, you heard me buddy.  Four-tee!)
and the mystery-track is a different version of the long-long-
long-song that comes 10 minutes after the last track "ends".  So
pay attention, okay?

=================================================================
TITLE: Colored Artboard (9" x 12", 16 Sheets) (MISC)
ARTIST: Carolina Pad and Paper Co.
ADDRESS: Charlotte, NC 28241
PRICE: I paid $3.29.
I draw comics and make mini-comics (drop me a line and I'll send
you some info on them.)  When I was trying to come up with a neat
way to make my minis look cool, I came across this stuff in a
local discount store.  For all intensive purposes, this "art
board" is nothing more than your standard run of the mill poster
board.  But what makes this stuff great is that it is already cut
down into a manageable size.  All I need to do is slip it into my
handy li'l paper cutter, and within seconds I have cut up neat
little covers for my mini-comics.  Unfortunately, these packs are
pretty hard to come by, since most people buy poster board in
larger or smaller sizes.  But if you ever need some quality
precut posterboard, this stuff is exactly what you need.

=================================================================
TITLE: The Real Janelle (CD EP)
ARTIST: Bratmobile
ADDRESS: Kill Rock Stars (120 North State Street, #418, Olympia,
WA 98507)
PRICE:  I paid $6.50.  Send a stamp for a full catalog and mail-
order prices.
When I first bought this thing, I was in a real bad mood.  Life
and work were dragging me down in a big way.  Then I put this CD
on, and for some reason it rubbed me the wrong way.  It didn't
seem as good as _Pottymouth_ and they covered a _Misfits_ song
(and I can't stand the Misfits).  To conclude, I dubbed this CD a
dog.  And one damn ugly mutt of a dog.  Then about a week later,
I threw it back on again and my feelings totally changed.  Who
knows what happened, but nowadays, this thing gets heavy playage
on my CD player.  The title track kicks and I even like their
version of the Misfits' _Where Eagles Dare_.  Just goes to show
you.  You should never dismiss anything.

=================================================================
TITLE: Tongue Splashers (CANDY)
ARTIST: Concord Confections Inc.
ADDRESS: Concord, Ontario, Canada, L4K 3N1
PRICE: I paid $1.30.
To me, gum is gum is gum.  You chew it.  You get your sugar.  And
then it's a useless piece of... of... stuff that you chew on. 
With a philosophy like that, I might as well stick a piece of
tree bark in some sugar and suck on it.  Same effect.  Anyway,
this stuff is the best gum I've tasted in a long time.  It comes
in a little miniature paint can and claims to paint your tongue
with color when you chew it.  It kinda leaves a color behind, but
nothing to write home about (NOTE: If you really want to get your
tongue to change colors, go out and buy some Marino's Italian
Ices!  Those things leave behind some serious food coloring
residue on the inside of your mouth!)  The taste is another thing
entirely.
This stuff is nice and sugary and great while it lasts.  You
don't that immediate sugar buzz that most sugar gums give you,
which is kinda nice.  I'd buy more of this stuff if it was
cheaper (it sells for $1.30 per paint can of 15 gumballs) and was
easier to open.  The damn can is as much of a pain to open as a
real paint can.  Oh well.  It's authentic!

=================================================================
TITLE: Animal Park (7" EP)
ARTIST: Unrest
ADDRESS: Teen Beat (P.O. Box 3265, Arlington, VA 22203)
PRICE: I paid $3.99, but you can get it for $3.00 post-paid
direct from Teen Beat.  Make checks/money orders payable to Mark
Robinson.
*sniff*.  I am sniffing here people because as of this writing
Unrest has broken up. *sniff*.  Who knows why?  I hear that Phil
decided to get a 9-5 teaching job, and kissed Unrest goodbye.
*sniff*.  Who knows.  Whatever.  This is the latest thing I
bought from one of my fave groups.  The songs are fab. 
_Afternoon Train_ is great and _Hey Hey Halifax_ is decent kinda
throwaway instrumental, although it's interrupted occasionally by
Mark E's need to slow down the tape and play other "head games"
with the listener.  But I shouldn't complain. *sniff*.  Because
this is the last thing that Unrest put out!  *SNIFF*!  SPECIAL
NOTE:  If you have trouble finding this thing, just ask your
record store employee pal to find the single that has the cheesy
pictures of some mustached "stud" making tea with his manliness
hanging out all over the place on the cover.  Not type kind of
thing one easily misplaces or misfiles.

=================================================================
TITLE: ACME Novelty Library #1 (COMIC)
ARTIST: Chris Ware
ADDRESS: Fantagraphics Books (7563 Lake City Way North East,
Seattle, WA 98115)
PRICE: I paid $3.50.
The first time I saw Chris Ware's stuff was in the pages of RAW. 
It was some story about this bean-shaped guy who gets a new set
of eyeballs via mail-order (you can get _anything_ via mail-order
folks.)  What a visual thing that was!  That was the first and
last time I saw his stuff in print.  Then I saw his stuff at
hanging on the wall at some alternative comics (or comix,
depending on your pretentiousness level) show in N.Y.C. in 1993. 
I liked looking at his originals, but deep down inside I needed
to actually own some of his stuff.  Luckily, the store at the
gallery was selling a real cool mini-comic Chris collected strips
of his character, Jimmy Corrigan, the Smartest Kid on Earth. 
This Fantagraphics release, collects the strips that were
contained in the mini, as well as other stories into one big
"standard" comic sized package.  The stories are drawn in a very
solid, 1930ish graphic style characterized by thick lines, solid
colors and antique lettering.  Although the design of the book
makes its appear to be friendly and comfortable, the stories are
anything but.
Ware's Jimmy Corrigan stories are terribly depressing, yet
poignant, snapshots of the lonely and repressed life of a
terminal mama's boy.  He lives.  He daydreams.  And that's about
it.  Throughout the strips, the reader experiences Jimmy's world
from different times in his life.  We see the events that
effected Jimmy as a child, and see how these events have turned
him into the "adult" Jimmy Corrigan.
Comparisons can be made to Jerry Moriarity's _Jack Survives_ and
Ben Katchor's _Julius Knipl, Real Estate Photographer_ but Ware's
work has a tone that can only draw comparisons to literary
authors like John Irving and J.D. Salinger.  Ware's work effects
me in much the same way that these authors have.  Definitely
something worth snatching up at any price.

=================================================================
TITLE: Baseball Trilogy (7" EP)
ARTIST: S.F. Seals
ADDRESS: Matador (676 Broadway, New York, NY 10012)
PRICE: I paid $3.99.
The S.F. Seals have Barbara Manning.  Barbara Manning likes
baseball.  This is no secret to most.  Although I like baseball,
I didn't know what to think when I bought this thing, but I'll
tell you now, that I DO NOT regret buying this thing!  Her
version of _Joltin' Joe DiMaggio_ is just so great!  Her voice is
just so smooth and the backup guys in the "bullpen" accentuate
everything perfectly.  Although _The Ballad of Denny McLain_
isn't the greatest thing, it is bearable.  _Dock Ellis_ is a
great solid, original song that talks about this 70s pitcher who
pitched a no-hitter while tripping on acid.  And you only though
baseball players downed brews and gnawed on chew?  And on top of
all the musical fun, the cover photo of the original S.F. Seals
"playing" in their band is just so damn nice to look at.

=================================================================
TITLE: DEAN Chocolate Candy (CANDY)
ARTIST: Morinaga
ADDRESS: ???
PRICE: ???
Chocolate, for those who are clueless, is the best damn junk-
food-group on the face of the earth.  Dean chocolate bars are
_the_ best chocolate you can get over the counter (if, of course,
that counter is in Japan).  Three bars of Kit-Kat size dark
chocolate that is filled either with evenly spaced cookie balls
or peanuts.  Yum!  Yum!  YUM!  Beyond the luscious taste of Dean
is the packaging.  They come in boxes that are, for all purposes,
the equivalent of cigarette hard-packs.  Wow!  There are also
about 6 designs of boxes that each have a different face of a
circa. 1920s-1930s caucasian kid on it.  And we're worried about
kids smoking because of Joe Camel over here in the U.S. of A!  
In Japan they eat their chocolate out of cigarette boxes that
have little kids faces on them!  I wish I could share these all
with you, but sadly I can't.  My only advice for those who want
to experience the chocolate pleasure that is DEAN chocolate, all
I can say is make friends with someone in Japan or find a decent
Japanese supermarket near you.

=================================================================
TITLE: California Chardonnay, 1992 (DRINK)
ARTIST: Baron Herzog Wine Cellars Co.
ADDRESS: San Martin, CA
PRICE: I paid $12.99.
Passover means many things to me.  Matzoh. Matzoh balls. Horse
radish.  Huge meals.  Never-ending seders.  And bad wine. Nay,
INCREDIBLY bad wine. Kosher for Passover wine usually sucks the
big one.  Too sweet.  Too fruity.  Generally, a gag inducing
experience.  This year, things were different.  This year, the
meal was accompanied by my new white wine pal, Baron Herzog.  Not
as cheap as other wines, but well worth the extra $$$.  Where I
used to dread the thought of downing the second or third cup
during the family seder, now I heartily anticipate saying the
barucha so I can sip some Herzog.  No more fruity wine for me! 
Baron Herzog your my man!

=================================================================
TITLE: Late Night with Conan O'Brien (TV)
ARTIST: Conan O'Brien
ADDRESS: NBC Tickets (30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York, NY 10112)
PRICE: Free.  Send a postcard.
People ragged on this guy, calling him to "white bread" and
"dull" and *gasp* "boring".  I bet you these people never even
saw this guy do his show.  This guy is everything that I would
want in a late night talk show host.  He's young.  He's funny. 
His sidekick, Andy, is just the bestest guy in the whole world. 
What other guy would have Josephine Wiggs (of the Breeders) give
him a hickey on national T.V.?  Who would invite cool musical
guests like Jonathan Richman and Yo La Tengo to play on national
T.V.?  What show has a guy come out who's named "Dizz" who just
spins around like a mad man getting dizzy and passing out? (and
do it in front of conservative U.S. Senator Robert Dole!)  What
show invites the bitter, bile filled easter bunny to dish out
juicy gossip on the sex lives of stars?  Who would invite ex-
heavyweight champ Joe Frasier to punch him in the stomach?  And
to top it all off, when I went to a recent taping of his show, he
came out before the show and belted out a version of Elvis's
_Hunka, Hunka Burnin' Love_ while he danced with people in the
audience!  Letterman would never do that!  Leno only wishes he
could!  Conan does it 5 times a week!  Go Conan! GO!

=================================================================
TITLE: Pac-Man Fever (12" LP)
ARTIST: Buckner and Garcia
ADDRESS: Columbia Records (No need for an address since this is
looong out of print if there is any justice in this world.)
PRICE: I paid $2.00 and have don't feel too good about it.
Oh man!  Anytime you think you have heard or experienced
something that sucks really bad, just think about this album. 
Not too many people would readily admit to owning this thing. 
Me, I feel like some guy who obliged to warn future generations
of things that are this horrendously bad. So pay attention
plebes!
Get this.  These two guys thought they had a good idea I guess. 
They would sing some songs dedicated to some of their favorite
video games while a bad country/rock band backs them up.  Oh man. 
Why didn't they take up pottery or shoot up heroin or something. 
Anything but actually make this abomination of vinyl.
Me, in a fit of nostalgic mania, decided to buy it while sifting
through the stuff on sale at a local flea market.  Oh man is this
bad.  _Pac-Man Fever_ makes me ill.  _Froggy's Lament_ makes me
hack.  _Ode to a Centipede_ gives me a rash.  _Do the Donkey
Kong_ puts me into a narcoleptic like sleep.  And that's only
side one!  By the time side two comes around, the emergency
medical service guys have those paddles on my chest and are
trying to bring me back from the dead!  This vintage 1982 piece
of vinyl serves only one purpose.  To make me cry out in the
middle of the night "The horror! The horror!"

=================================================================
TITLE: When We Were Very Young (BOOK)
ARTIST: A.A. Milne
ADDRESS: E.P. Dutton (Any book store that has a decent children's
section should have this.  If they don't, have it, they are
EVIL!)
PRICE: Had it as a kid.  Gave it away.  Bought it at a thrift
store for $5.00.
To say that A.A. Milne is a heavy duty influence on me is an
understatement.  A.A. Milne is a way of life! (Even if you don;t
know you're living it.)  Milne's writing perfectly captures the
essence of what is great about being a kid.  Pooh was fun to
read, but the poems and rhymes in this book--as well as _Now We
Are Six_, are just... just... so resonant to anyone who
appreciates the wonders of being a kid.  I love reading _The Four
Friends_, a story about an elephant, a lion, a goat and a snail
who are just hanging out together.  _Independence_ is such a nice
way to introduce children of all ages to the simple pleasures of
being (duh) independent.  The concept that money can't buy
happiness (or cute bunnies) is perfectly clear in _Market
Square_.  _The Three Foxes_ is the ultimate in silliness.  In
general, this stuff celebrates every facet of being a kid.  We
are talking about children's entertainment that works on a level
that something like _Barney_ doesn't even approach.  In fact, if
you deal with a child on a regular basis, might I suggest that
you turn off the T.V. when that jurassic dork Barney shows his
stupid face, and instead read some Milne to the kid.  Boy or
girl, that kid will love you for life.

=================================================================
TITLE: The Daily Subway Commute Experience (MISC)
ARTIST: Metropolitan Transit Authority of New York City
ADDRESS: Any subway anywhere in New York City.
PRICE: A token costs $1.25.  That doesn't include the costs of
mental torture and abuse you will endure.
>From the elbows in the gut, to the farts in my face, nothing can
come close to the unique brand of hell the Metropolitan Transit
Authority helps to dish out to hapless commuters on a daily
basis.  Sure, they aren't to blame for the asshole passengers,
but they are totally responsible for the environment that these
jerks thrive in.  From the urine smells, to the brown gunk on the
track, there ain't nothing like the subterranean life that most
New Yorkers participate as part of their commute.  And get this. 
Recently, either as the result of a study or something, M.T.A.
workers now refer to riders as customers.  Now think about it. 
I'm not a customer.  I don't have a choice between what friggin'
subway I ride?  I can only ride on the lovely rails of the
M.T.A.!  So I get kinda pissed when some conductor or someone
says "Attenshun _customers_!  The train can't move 'cause on
account of the fact that we have anutta train in front of us." 
Trust me my M.T.A. buddies, if I had a choice as to what subway
to ride, it wouldn't be you guys.  And as long as we're beating a
dead horse...

=================================================================
TITLE: Metrocard (MISC)
ARTIST: Metropolitan Transit Authority of New York City
ADDRESS: Any subway anywhere in New York City.
PRICE: They come in various amounts.  But I'm not to sure.  I
gave up on these things after buying one that had $5.00 on it.
These things suck.  These things are flimsy.  These things only
work in a handful of esoteric stations.  These things don't work. 
These things don't tell you how many fares you have left on them. 
These things were defective from day one.  These things aren't
nearly as useful as the cards used in San Francisco or
Washington, D.C.  To conclude, the Metrocard sucks.  Use tokens
the next time you want to ride the lovely subway.

+---------------------------------------------------------------+
| This was SUPER STUPID SLAMBOOK #1 (SPRING 1994).  All         |
| contents (c) 1994 Jack Szwergold, all rights reserved.  And   |
| after saying all that, I realize that this is an electronic-  |
| zine, which by the nature of it's medium, allows it to be     |
| duplicated with little or no effort.  So this is to let you   |
| know that distribution is free. You can copy and send it to   |
| as many people and places as you want. But the content is     |
| mine, and plagiarism is just not a nice thing.  Which is the  |
| only reason why I stuck a copyright statement on this thing.  |
| So be nice, and don't claim authorship to things you didn't   |
| write. Okay?                                                  |
+---------------------------------------------------------------+
| [ E-MAIL ]                                 [ STANDARD MAIL ]  |
| [email-masked]                              P.O. Box 242       |
|                                            Village Station    |
|                                            New York, NY 10014 |
+---------------------------------------------------------------+

-- 
Jack Szwergold
[email-masked]