Subject: NEW ZINE: SLAP #2

From: [email-masked] (Derek Gottfrid)
Date: 28 Feb 1994 23:12:53 -0800

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                                   SLAP #2
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Letter from the Editor:

This issue is late but get used to it.  I am a slow person.  Actually there
were a series of events that prevented me from publishing this sooner.  I
had been watching way too much violent TV and got a little crazy.  I held
up a bunch of 7-11's and shot all the by-standers just for a cherry
slurpy.  I was arrested and acquitted of all charges on the grounds that I
was a victim of Television Violence and couldn't be held
responsible....Cool...I am in therapy and am on the road to recovery. 
After my brief time as a criminal psychopath, America plunged into a war
with Japan. Okay it was only a trade war but still a war.  I immediately
began building a bunker and stocking it with all sorts of consumer
electronics and car parts.  So now from the solitude of my consumer
electronic bunker, I am proud to present ......SLAP #2.  I was thankful
for all the mail (4 pieces) about SLAP #1.  I thought maybe nobody would
read it.  SLAP #3 should be more exciting than ever. Look for it or mail
me for a subscription.  As always, I gladly accept any kind of submissions.

Derek

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Dear Saiko,

I need your advice. I am currently looking for a job and have had problems
lately with my interviewing techniques.  I was wondering if you could
steer me in the right direction in terms of what to say and what not to
say.  Thanks and I love SLAP.

Sincerely,
A. Fictitious Character

Dear Mr. Character: 

This is a problem many people have including myself.  I am no expert on the
subject but I would like to share some of my own experiences with you.  As
many of my followers might already know I have been without employment for
sometime and I have a substantial amount of experience with job
interviews.  Since you are obviously getting interviews, I will not go
into resume writing and networking.  I have compiled a list of the most
common interview questions asked of me and my response.  The response I have
given could be taken as an example of things to stay away from because I
am still currently without employment. 

Q1. Sex: Male or Female 

A1.Whatever you would like me to be.  I am open to anything as long as there
is a good insurance plan that pays for that kind of thing. 

ANALYSIS:  I think in this case I was too accommodating.  You should be
flexible but firm especially when it comes to your own gender. 

Q2. Why do you want this position?

A1.  Because the job of Pope is taken and Burger King isn't hiring right
now. 

ANALYSIS:  I avoided the question.  Unless this is for a
job in politics where you are showing your skill in avoiding the question,
I recommend you try and answer the question truthfully.

Q3. Where would you like to be in 5 years? 

A3. With your wife....attending your funeral.

ANALYSIS: None but I know it doesn't work for some reason.

Q4. Do you have any handicap that would make this job difficult?

A4. Not really, I have occasional bladder control problem but I usually wear
Depends. 

ANALYSIS:  Some insecure people might feel uncomfortable talking about
bladder control problems but it is not a reason to disqualify you ...
unless you are applying for a lifeguard position.

Q5: [Although illegal
some places ask] How old are you?

A5. 140 ......... in dog years.
ANALYSIS: Interviewer was unfamiliar with the concept of dog years.

Q6.Tell me about your last position.

A6. Missionarie.

ANALYSIS: Mistakenly, I
thought he was referring to sex while he was really talking about my past
employment. 

Q7. Tell me about your last job.

A7. I worked with the
Jehovah witnesses but I was fired because they thought I was too 
annoying.

ANALYSIS: Stay away from discussing religion. 

Q8. I see you have done technical writing in the past. Have you ever tried
writing any fiction? 

A8. Why yes, my resume for example. 

ANALYSIS: None

Q9. Would you mind taking a drug test?

A9. No, not at all, which ones would you like me to try?

ANALYSIS: Answering a question with a question is not a good idea. 

Q10. Why should I hire you?

A10. Cause you're my dad.

ANALYSIS:None

Well that is just a few helpful little hints I came up with.  Sorry I was
unable to explain the reason some of those answers failed but trust me. 
Good luck to everyone with their job search.  Do not despair.  Keep the
American Dream alive .... play Lotto. 

--Saiko

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Michael Jackson Exposed

With his popularity in decline and numerous questions surrounding the nature
of his relations with young boys, Michael Jackson has found a new way to
satisfy his appetite for little boys.  SLAP has learned that MJ has been
cruising the streets of LA disguised as the lovable children's TV
character Barney.  Michael and his entourage have been showing up at
schools throughout the area pretending to be Barney.  An unconfirmed report
also alleges that Elizabeth Taylor has accompanied Michael on several of
these excursions dressed as Ms. Piggy.  On these outings Michael usually
picks out one boy in particular and invites the youngster to come and see
a taping of the Barney & Friends Show.  On a mock studio set
Barney/Michael then plays a special set of games with the boy like "Find
Barney's Fossil" "Let's all be Purple" and from the popular movie "Jour Ass
is my Park."  All of this information was given to SLAP by Michael's
sister LaToya through a psychic connection.  

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The Politics of Retribution 

Long after President Clinton has faded into memory and the last Kennedy has
finally died off, the Pepsi generation will take over the controls of the
United States.  Living up to a long list of TV commercial philosophies,
this generation will be young, have fun, and drink Pepsi. They will just
Do It. Douglas Coupland will lay aside his literary career to lead this
nation.  Mr. Coupland is a Canadian but by that time America will have made
Canada another state due to that fact that the US can win more Olympic
medals and white people will be in short supply. With Mr. Coupland at the
helm and all the original members of Nirvana serving as Supreme Court
Justices, the United Sates will embark on a journey into untested waters.
An entire generation will be persecuted for crimes against another
generation. 

Let us look at the crimes of those who came of age in the 60's.  These
crimes are not only limited to the 60's but the 60's merely lay the ground
work for the future crimes they would commit.  The 60's generation were
the most hedonistic and self-consumed of any in the history of America.  A
quick review of things then vs. now. 

	THEN			NOW 	
	Sex			AIDS 
	Drugs			Just Say No
 	Rock -n-Roll		Bad Classic Rock Station everywhere and 
				stupid reunion tours
	Marriage prevalent	No faith in marriage
	Two parent families	One parent family
	Birth Control Pills	All types of strange ways to procreate
	Quality Education	2-hour training video for McDonald's employee
	Civil Rights Movement	LA Riots
	Watergate		Iran-Contra // Savings and Loan
	Vietnam 		Gulf -War  
				(the Pepsi Generation knows how to kick ass)

That was a quick review of the 60's generation but they continued their
hedonistic behavior right on up to the present.  The seventies saw the
Sexual Revolution and in the Eighties they finally figured out money and
became obsessed.  They sold a generation into poverty with the help of
President Gipper.  The case can be well made that this generation has
little redeeming value.  

Somewhere either in History class or Jeopardy they told us that those that
did not learn history were doomed to repeat it.  The Pepsi Generation will
not stand for any kind of repetition and therefore have decided to make an
example of the 60's generation.  Mr. Coupland with the help of some sick
minded individual will institute a policy of total oppression. On this
issue Mr. Coupland makes Hitler look like Barney.  There will be a
rounding up of all AARP members and confiscation of property.  They will be
loaded up and moved out of their retirement communities and relocated to
converted suburban malls across the country to serve out there life
sentences.  The most popular TV shows will be game shows in which
contestants get to torture the criminals in a variety of amusing ways.  
All production of bladder control diapers will be ceased.  All their
expensive cars will be reassigned to more youthful citizens who have
suffered.  Any older person indulging themselves with a Mazda Miata will
be excited immediately.  No elderly people may possess any type of sport
vehicle.  Social Security will be disbanded.  There will be no senior
citizen discounts on anything.  Politicians will not cater to the interest
of the elderly because they will no longer have the right to vote.  All
those people who said they didn't care about debt and that it would be
someone else's problems will be sold into slavery to the Japanese in an
attempt to repay the national debt.  These are the policies of the new 
generation.  The Pepsi Generation will institute retribution.  It is
inevitable when the 60's generation get old, the Pepsi Generation will
come in and kick their ass!

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IN THE INTEREST OF DECENCY:

Please, Help SLAP raise enough money to counter offer Playboy's offer to
Tonya Harding for a series of nude photos.  Our goal is to secure enough
funds to outbid Playboy's offer of $250,000 and sign Tonya to a lifetime
contract that forbids her from ever disrobing for any publication. I hope
you will support our efforts.

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VanRant's

You know, I'm encouraged by the fact that Hillary and Chelsea got to go to
the Olympics, see the opening ceremonies, enjoy some hockey, and meet some
nice athletes all on my fucking dime, while I sat my fat ass on the couch
eating Burger King.  I'd like to go to the Olympics, but I can't afford to. 
Takes too much time and too much money.  Apparently when someone else is
paying (read as you and me, suckers) it's pretty easy to go.  And all this
for a little PR and Hillary gets interviewed by David fucking Letterman's
mother.  Invites her to the White House and her son too(Guess who's
paying?).  We all know what policy gurus the mother and son Letterman team
are.  Maybe they'll help with the health care thing and have some advice on
the Bosnia situation.  Hillary in Norway advancing the agenda of this great
nation. Great.  Hope y'all had a good time.  I'm sure Chelsea did a lot
for the United States there in Norway.  What about Socks? 

How about taking me along next time, you know, the guy that's paying for it? 
At the same time Bill is taking a little time off in his home state offering
to give supporters, especially the female ones, a ride on Air Force "6", if
you know what I mean. What the hell is wrong with this country?    

-HL