Subject: alt.folklore.college FAQ, First Anniversary Edition
From: [email-masked] (Ted Frank)
Date: Tue, 1 Mar 1994 16:08:49 GMT
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.college,soc.college,alt.folklore.urban

Last-Modified: 94/3/1
Version: 1.06C

1 March 1994

    Official Usenet Alt.Folklore.College Frequently Posted Legends

This is alt.folklore.college -- the newsgroup where nonsense is revered
as an artform, and debunking has been taken to new heights.  An offshoot
of alt.folklore.urban, it discusses urban legends (ULs) about college
life: all those great stories that a "friend of a friend" (FOAF) told
you about how roommate suicides result in a 4.0 or libraries sinking
because of the weight of the books.

In other words, it's a great place to get a reality check on anything that 
"a friend" told you, or to compare notes about odd things.

A NOTE TO NEW READERS:

 - We encourage you to post any stories you suspect may be an UL. Funny
   or whatever.  Details matter!  Please try to give as much as possible.
   BUT, be advised that many of the stories in the FAQ have been hashed
   over.  If you wish to debate them, be prepared to substantiate your
   claim.

 - alt.folklore.college is for discussions of college folklore.  Discussions
   about college life or academics or requests for e-mail addresses are
   better suited for soc.college.  Discussions about folklore not related
   to college (such as hemisphereic effects on toilet-flushing or pizza 
   delivery boys who soil food) are better suited for alt.folklore.urban
   or, if appropriate, one of the other groups in the alt.folklore.*
   hierarchy, such as alt.folklore.military or alt.folklore.computers.
   And so on.

The purpose of summarizing these frequently-seen legends is to provide
a guide to veracity and their experience in this newsgroup.  Most ULs 
cannot be traced back to original true incidents, but some, particularly 
the more recent ones can be. There are ULs which may, coincidentally, 
have a true manifestation, but a true manifestation does not deprive a 
UL of its legendary status.  However, since many if not most ULs are 
false, where possible, I include a comment referring to a true incident, 
subject to sufficient evidence, of course.

THE UNOFFICIAL MOTTO OF ALT.FOLKLORE.COLLEGE

     "My apologies for any hot-heatedness. I had just broken up with my
      girlfriend when I posted." -- Jason Munn, 2/27/94

MEANWHILE, BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM . . .

I have also begun to collect references to specific volumes of JHB's to
document various classic ULs.  This is a slow and on-going process.
Acronyms for Jan Harold Brunvand's books in the list below are:

     TVH  -  _The Vanishing Hitchhiker_
     TMP  -  _The Mexican Pet_
     TCD  -  _The Choking Doberman_
     CBA  -  _Curses!  Broiled Again_
     TBT  -  _The Baby Train_ 

Key to one liners below:
  T  = 100% scientific truth
  Tb = believed true, but not conclusively proven
  F  = 100% falsehood
  Ft = A legend, mostly untrue, but with a true occurence or known origin.
  Fb = believed false, but not conclusively proven
  U  = unanswered and may be unanswerable
  P  = Maybe it didn't happen, but it's scientifically possible
       (used extremely sparingly, where the opposite is expected,
       as it could apply to just about every legend)

Please note that as the alt.folklore.college FAQ diverges from the
alt.folklore.urban FAQ, different FAQs may reach different conclusions.
================================================================================

Categories are:

- Absent-Minded Professors
- The Facts of [College] Life
- Sophomoric Shenanigans
- It's Final
- Staples
- Eerie Erections

================================================================================

ABSENT-MINDED PROFESSORS

T. Prof lists famous unsolved problems;student thought it was homework- solved!
   (Student was George Dantzig.)  ["The Unsolvable Math Problem" in CBA.]
T. No such luck with Fermat's Last Theorem.
F. Princeton students rioted in celebration of the solution to Fermat's Last
   Theorem.
Fb.Professor jostled; misses watch; grabs back from jostler; later finds at home
   [Variation of "The Jogger's Billfold" in TCD] [Possible source: Jack Lemmon
   in "The Prisoner of Second Avenue"]
F. All universities have policy of when it's officially okay to leave class 
   when professor is late.
T. At least one university, Tennessee Tech, does have a 15-minute-late-
   okay-to-leave policy.
Tb.UMass-Amherst professor makes habit of boffing virgins.
F. Students use Skinnerian methods to train professor to only write on
   small corner of chalkboard.  [Dozens of variations.]

THE FACTS OF COLLEGE LIFE

F. College roommate commits suicide, gets you an automatic "A" for courses.
   ["The Suicide Rule" in CBA.]
Tb.Many colleges do provide leniency on exams, or allow refunds for roommates,
   but it's usually on a case-by-case basis.
T. Student gets tuition $ by asking for $0.01 from each person via newspaper.
   [Columnist Bob Greene helped along this Michigan student.]
T. Students find rolled-up carpet; take and unroll in dorm room to find body.
   [Happened at Columbia; see 1/30/84 NY Times.]
T. Student dies after getting stuck in Cornell fraternity chimney, 1992-93.
T. Brown student allergic to peanuts dies from eating at restaurant that
   served chili with secret ingredient of peanut butter.
Fb.Student kills self during exam by putting 2 pencils in nose and hitting desk.
F. Girl is alone at home/dorm with dog; sleeps; hears noise and a dripping
   sound; is frightened but reaches to dog and feels a lick; goes back to
   sleep. In morning, finds dog hanged in shower and note under bed which
   says "humans can lick too." ["The Licked Hand" in TCD]
F. Two co-eds alone in dorm; one goes to study; other in room; roomie hears
   heavy dragging sounds; blocks door; hears scratches; waits til morning;
   opens door to find other co-ed with ax in head who was scratching for help.
  ["The Roommate's Death" in TVH and TMP] [Variation: note left behind
   "aren't you glad you didn't open the door?"]
F. Student raped during the five-minute "scream session" during finals;
   victim's cries drowned out in the cacophony.
Tb.Dave Barry's friend stabbed himself in the head during a calculus exam with
   a pencil.

SOPHOMORIC SHENANIGANS

T. People's lawn gnomes/elves stolen; owners were sent letter/pics from exotic
   locations with the ornament.  ["Roaming Gnomes" in CBA]
Fb.Students buy a barber pole and drive the town. Stopped continually by police.
F. Radio station welds antenna to railroad tracks, peeves the FCC by
   broadcasting nationwide.  [Told about MIT, Tufts, and Swarthmore.]
T. Caltech students disrupt Rose Bowl in sundry ways.
T. MITfolk do the same to Harvard-Yale game.
Tb.Rutgers grad student puts both Caltech and MIT to shame by bombing World 
   Trade Center.
T. Berkeley student suspended for going to classes naked. 
T. MIT students use Smoot to measure bridge. 
F. Mikey (Life cereal) exploded from eating Pop Rocks with soda (You wish!)
   ["The Death of Little Mikey" in TCD]
F. Student is regularly nocturnally chloroformed by roommate, for sodomy.
Tb.This may have actually happened in the Dutch army.  Those officers!
Tb.Students fake such activity as good prank on passed-out drunk roommate.
T. Students use variety of methods to make foolproof fake ID's.
T. Students will admit to any number of felonies when posting to Usenet.
F. Students play construction workers and police off of each other, each
   thinking the other are pranksters.
Fb.Schoolkid beheaded by road sign, due to sticking his head out the bus window.
T. New York car thief stole lab delivery of cadaver heads...
Fb.Med student discovers cadaver is relative/friend.
Fb.Med students play joke on tollbooth operator involving cadaver.
T. Syracuse student steals skull from university archives, roommate reports it.
U. Wisconsin student castrates, performs other surgery on himself, using
   mirrors to reduce his sex drive.
F. Marauding gangs drive with lights out, kill those who flash lights at them. 
Tb.Cow-tipping (pushing over a sleeping cow) has happened.
T. Cows sleep lying down.
Tb.Cow-tipping is usually just a bunch of hooey to beguile city kids.
U. The proper amount to tip a cow is 15%, 20% for especially good service.
U. Purdue students trying to avoid draft *and* Saturday classes sign up
   en masse for class in sheep shearing; university purchases so many
   sheep to meet demand that it won't let anyone drop class.

IT'S FINAL

Fb.Student cheats on exam, asks "do you know who I am?",jams paper in exam pile!
   ["Bluebook Legends" in TMP]
Fb.Prof. gives "announced" quiz to surprised class after putting ad in paper.
Fb.Prof. allows students to "bring in what they can carry for exam"; student
   carrys in a grad student (variation on allowing use of "Feynman").
Fb.Prof. nails exam thief by cutting bottom 0.5" of exam to find longer answer.
Fb.Philosophy prof.'s 1 word exam: "Why?" "A" to student who replies "Why not?"
   [Many, many variations, including "What is courage""This", & "What chair?"].
T. Wise-ass teachers imitate the urban legend and have one-word exams.
T. Same kind of teacher gives exam with patently bogus directions with last
   instruction being "Ignore all other directions."
Fb.Low grading prof. grades same exam in successive semesters; gives higher 
   grade each time. 4th time around (or so), writes: "Like it more each time".
Fb.Student submits 20 yr old paper for class; prof. gives "A"; says he always
   liked it but he only got a "B" when he wrote it.  [The above 6 Fb's are in 
   "College Con Artists and How They Operate" in CBA]
T. Professors make you erase programmable calculator memory for exams.
Fb.Professor uses staircase method to grade exams.
Fb.Ph.D. candidate hides Easter egg in thesis offering bottle of expensive
   scotch to first person to point out that paragraph; gets to drink bottle
   at thesis defense because no one noticed paragraph.
T. Lots of people have pulled similar stunts involving off-topic paragraphs
   in less important papers.
T. The first Jewish woman to e-mail me quoting this line gets a free dinner
   date with me at the Frontera Grill on Clark St. in Chicago.  She pays
   airfare.
Tb.Stuffed remains of Jeremy Bentham present at annual meeting.
F. College requirement of swim test imposed by bereaved benefactor whose
   daughter drowned because she didn't know how to swim.  [Told of Columbia,
   Princeton, Carleton, Brandeis.]
Fb.Squid dissections invariably involve the dissector getting squirted with
   ink by the dissectee.

STAPLES

F. One night stand, partner leaves early, other partner finds msg "Welcome to
   the world of AIDS". ["AIDS Mary" in CBA]
F. Frat holds blood drive. Some grossly high % of frat donors are HIV positive.
T. There are a remarkable number of unfunny puns on greek-letter societies.
U. Cockroaches left over from "Creep Show" populate CMU basements.
F. All fraternity members are rapists.
T. Towson State study finds fraternities have the highest rape rates on campus.
T. Athletes are second.
Tb.It's generally not a good idea to provoke Ted into talking about frats.
Tb.Geraldo Rivera went to University of Arizona as "Jerry Rivers."
Fb.Abbie Hoffman was the first Sandwich Man at Brandeis; really used it as
   cover to sell drugs.
Tb.The Sixties would be a dramatically different decade if not for Jerry Cohen.
T. There seems to be quite a few university buildings named after Kresge.
Fb.[Insert name of university here] invited to join Ivy League; turns down
   (or turned down) because of unwillingness to bolster athletic facilities.
T. It's fairly common to be dissatisfied with one's campus newspaper and SGA.
Fb.Co-ed loses tampon inside prior to blind date; worried; sees school intern;
   is acutely embarrassed.  Her date shows up; it's the intern! 
Fb.Young man buys condom from pharmacist; he's embarrassed so boasts of date. 
   He picks her up, pharmacist/dad answers the door! ["The Blind Date" in TMP]
Fb.Traci Lords enrolled in University of Wisconsin under a secret identity.
U. A plain-Jane coed invited to special night out by a BMOC. As she gets ready,
   has bad gas from lunch. Date arrives; so plans to fart in car before he gets
   in. She farts and quickly rows down window. Date gets in, says, "I'd like you
   to meet Tom and Mary in the backseat." ["The Fart in the Dark" in TVH.]
T. Fried lemur is especially good in a mole sauce.
T. Common UL mills include Dear Abby, Ann Landers, and Paul Harvey.
T. Cecil Adams singles out Chicago and Brandeis students for their lack of
   sex lives.
T. Agents of Cecil Adams have an account at Northwestern U. 
T. Nearly every college has statues that do something strange if a virgin
   graduates/walks by.
Tb.Nearly every college thinks that they're on a Playboy top ten best/worst
   campuses for parties/best-looking coeds.
Fb.Such-and-such top school (UChicago, Reed, Cornell) has "top suicide rate"
   in nation.
Tb.No one compiles various schools' suicide rates.
F. USNWR/Gorman rankings have any scientific basis, rather than being
   ad hoc jumbles of various statistics, reworked yearly to get desired
   results. 
F. UMass/Amherst's anti-discrimination policy protects pedophiles.

EERIE ERECTIONS

Tb.Number one cause of student deaths at UMass-Amherst is elevator accidents.
F. Building is built backwards. Public criticizes; Architect commits suicide.
Tb.There have been buildings built backwards.
F. Various university libraries sink; books heavier than architect thought!
   (Can anyone confirm that Oriental Museum at U of C actually had this
   problem, as reported in the _Maroon_?)
F. Same as above, but pool not library, weight of water, not books.
Tb.Above happened to Kodak; they use it to develop *big* pictures.
Ft.Lots of bldgs (malls, etc.) are sinking into the ground as we post!
   [See "Back to the Drawing Board--Some Architectural Legends" in CBA]
F. Architect student fails final project, becomes rich, donates $ to school
   on condition they use his final project as a blueprint.
T. Some universities, cities are riddled with semi-secret utility tunnels.
T. We don't care that you've seen them.
Fb.University of Chicago and Columbia have radioactive libraries.
Fb.Campus library named after fabulously rich inventor of mundanity.
   [Variations: Q-Tips, plastic envelope windows, etc.]
T. University of Chicago dormitory named after W. Judson, who *did* invent
   the zipper!  (1/6/94 Chicago Tribune.)
Fb.Dormitory design at university a modified version of prison.

SOME REFERENCES:

Cecil Adams (_The Straight Dope_, 1984, ISBN 0-345-33315-2 and_More of the
   Straight Dope_, 1988, ISBN 0-345-35145-2 both published by Ballantine
   Books).  Author of "The Straight Dope" Q&A column of _The Chicago
   Reader_ and is syndicated in many alternative newspapers.  Cecil is "a
   National Treasure" who "tells people what they actually want and need
   to know instead of useless rubbish."  Regularly plagiarizes the Net
   for his columns: beware of posts from "ezotti."

Jan Harold Brunvand (_The Vanishing Hitchhiker_, 1981, ISBN 0-393-95169-3;
   _The Choking Doberman_, 1984, ISBN 0-393-30321-7; _The Mexican Pet_, 1986,
   ISBN 0-393-30542-2; _Curses! Broiled Again_, 1989, ISBN 0-393-30711-5,
   _The Study of American Folklore_, 3rd Ed., 1978, all published by W.W.
   Norton).  JHB is one of the leading folklorists today and has done much 
   to popularize the study of ULs.   

Theodore Frank ("The Economic Interest Test and Collective Action Problems
   in Antitrust Tie-In Cases," _The University of Chicago Law Review_, Spring
   1994.)  Actually has nothing to do with urban legends, and anal editors
   replaced all appearances of "lutefisk" with "widgets."  But still 
   contains the phrase "The _Dick_ Court," and besides, I'm entitled to
   a plug, too.

Bruce Tindall and Mark Watson (_Did Mohawks Wear Mohawks?_  _And Other
   Wonders, Plunders, and Blunders_, Quill - William and Morrow, 1991.
   ISBN 0-688-09859-2.)  S'all right, and only one wrong entry so far.  
   But don't believe what they say about dalmatians, humans, and urea.  
   You can even e-mail Bruce on the net to blast him.

Peter van der Linden (_The Official Handbook of Practical Jokes_ Signet, 
   ISBN 0-451-15873-3, 1989 and _The Second Official Handbook of Practical 
   Jokes_, 1991, Signet, ISBN 0-451-16924-7). Do you want to get the scoop 
   on practical jokes that actually have some real world validity rather 
   than those by prepubescent college kids on bad banana peels?  Try 
   checking these two bricks^H^H^H^H^H^H books out.  You'll find ULs, 
   delightfully bad illustrations, and even practical jokes.  

It's only a coincidence that all of the above-mentioned authors have
links to the Internet at one time or another.

===============================================================================

An urban legend:
    * appears mysteriously and spreads spontaneously in varying forms
    * contains elements of humor or horror (the horror often "punishes"
      someone who flouts society's conventions).
    * makes good storytelling.
    * does NOT have to be false, although most are.  ULs often have a basis
      in fact, but it's their life after-the-fact (particularly in reference
      to the second and third points) that gives them particular interest.

If you enjoy alt.folklore.college, you'll just love alt.folklore.urban.

===============================================================================
Unbounded thanks to: Jane Beckman, Steven Bellovin, Conrad Black, Mark Brader, 
Jack Campin, Raymond Chen, Joe Chew, Patrick S Clark, Cathi A.Cook, Cindy
Davies, Jeff Davis, Scott Deerwester, Larry Doering, all the Terry's: Carroll, 
Chan, Monks, Wood, et al., David Esan, Ted Frank, Greg Franklin, Alan Frisbie, 
Kim Greer, Tom Greer, Dave Gross, Phil Gustafson, Jason R. Heimbaugh, David A. 
Honigs, David B. Horvath, Wendy Foran Howard, Mark Israel, Richard Joltes, Jim 
Jones, Cyndi Kandolf, Phil Kernick, Susan Mudgett, Bill Nelson, Tom Neff, 
Bob O'Brien, Christophe Pettus, Brian Scearce, Sean Smith, Randal Schwartz, 
Ken Shirriff, snopes, Haakon Styri, Bruce Tindall, Dwight Tovey, Peter van 
der Linden, Greg Widdicombe, and Dan Wright.

alt.folklore.college additions contributed by Terry Chan, Raymond Chen, 
Chip Dunham, Christopher Dunlea, Ted Frank, Ryan Franklin, Phil Gustafson, 
Jason Hanson, Richard Hosker, Eric Jensen, Brian Leibowitz, Michael Reel, 
Sendhil Revuluri, Kivi Shapiro, and Samuel Weiler.

OTHERS?

Have you ever wondered how those people have gotten the name at the end
of the FAQ list?  They are people who are widely recognized as thoughtful 
posters of reliable information. They have consistently added value to 
various debates by sharing their point of view, and often researching 
difficult questions which arise on the net, and posting authoritative facts 
citing sources.

The official way for joining the list of distinguished AFC-ers is to
take one of these unanswered questions that come now and then, research
it and reach a definitive conclusion (or demonstrate that one cannot be 
found).  Post your findings. If the report is sound, and the original 
question was non-trivial, you will be added to the acknowledgements section 
of the FAQ list!  Be prepared to submit references.  We are mostly adults 
here (except around the beginning of the academic year).  Be prepared to 
discuss and debate your research and conclusions here.  The unofficial way 
to get on the list is to give me a big payoff (and it better be more than
two-fifty).

Original FAQ list for alt.folklore.urban by Peter van der Linden, Feb., 1991.
Maintained by Terry Chan for a.f.u. since July 1991.
Mildly tinkered with in a few trivial ways, PvdL, December 9, 1991
Masterfully improved formatting courtesy of Tom Neff, December 16, 1991.
Modified and eviscerated for alt.folklore.college by Ted Frank, March 1, 1993.
I'm looking for someone to take over the a.f.c FAQ.  Write me if interested.
-- 
ted frank   | "People who quote my .sig in followups are morons"  -- Kibo
the u of c  | beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable,  
law school  | beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, 
kibo#=0.5   | beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable, beable,