Subject: football

From: [email-masked] (Shelley Spence)
Date: 1 Feb 89 08:20:05 GMT

The following is a light hearted look at american football. Hit 'n'
now if you are offended easily by random sillyness that pokes fun
at americans.

Well nothing much has happened in the world of sports.  It is the superbowl 
today however, this is a United States event (I would have said American 
however I am in North America and would not like to be included in this 
tradition).  The event is a game where large brainless men smash into each 
other in order to advance a pig's skin, shaped in an oblong fashion, to the 
opponent's end of a 100 yard field.  Many people will wager on this event and
still many more will watch it with non-financial interests.  Many beer and 
car making corporations will vie for an advertising spot during the game by 
paying them largest amounts of money ever recorded for a Television spot 
in history.  They often try to get the brainless players to endorse their 
products first hand.  This seems very illogical as these men are not known 
for their acting abilities and they are usually retired players of superbowl 
past.  They also firmly believe that miller light is either less filling or 
it tastes great, but never both at once.  Sometimes musicians and comedians 
help the brainless men because they are more inclined to acting.

  Well back to the actual game.  This superbowl activity does not have 
anything to do with tupperware parties.  It is the final game of a season's 
worth of FOOTBALL.  The word football is used for this game to piss off the 
British who refer to their game of soccer as football.  This makes 
more sense, as soccer is played mostly with the foot and the superbowl is not.
It is also worthy to note that the vast majority of the planet prefers the 
game of soccer to that of U.S. football. They hold a world championship every
year in soccer that the U.S. is never a contender in.  The U.S. has in turn 
retaliated by coining the term "World Series" to the American game of 
baseball. (which the central Americans are much better at playing then native 
U.S. players).
    
  Well once again getting off the topic of the game.  Men named after 
various body parts (quarter back, tight end) line up facing each 
other and when certain grunts have been uttered they run into each other.  
The team with the pig then tries to pass it through the line of men.  They 
have three chances to move the ball 10 yards.  If they do not succeed they get 
angry and kick the ball at the opponent's side of the field.  The opponents 
then try to return the ball until they get mad and kick it back.
SUCCESS When a goal is scored.

If by chance one team should get the pig's skin into the opposing teams end 
of the field a strange and bizzare ritual occurs.  First the pig is thrown as
hard as possible into the ground where it doesn't stay. Instead it bounces 
madly across the field and forgotten.  Sometimes this step is replaced by the
team member dancing with the pig's skin held high in the air and running 
towards other team members.  Step two is the same in both cases.  The men all
rush together and hug each other and pat each other vigorously on the bottom. 
The coach of the team will hug his co-coaches and smile with admiration.  
Step three consists of a replay of the whole event for television viewers 
and those advertisers who want to know who should endorse their products for 
next year.

The purpose of winning the game is that these goal scorers from the winning 
team only will be asked to advertise for the corporations. The losers will 
not be invitied.

When the game is over the wining team will pour cheap champagne all over each 
other in the dressing room where women reporters will not be admitted, but the 
men will undress in front of the television cameras anyway.  The cameras will
show the losing team crying in their locker room. The most endorsable 
player will be chosen just in case the advertisers could not figure out which 
player this should be.
    
This my friend is a United States dream come true.

For those now feeling offended, flames and fan mail can be addressed to:

shelley@aimed
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