Subject: =0= Prologue. '92 Usenet Winter Olympics.

From: [email-masked] (Scott Forbes)
Date: Fri, 13 Nov 1992 08:35:17 GMT

Gene:
>Okay, let's get down to business.  The 115th meeting of the USENET
>Backbone Cabal is hereby called to order, President-for-Life
>Spafford presiding.  Our first order of business is the size of
>the net:  It's *still* growing out of control, with new newsgroups
>popping up like rabbits, and the number of people reading netnews
>is going up way too fast.

Dave:
>The average IQ of the net readership is dropping like a stone.
>Most of these newbies don't even have Computer Science degrees,
>and some of them are even [shudder] Liberal Arts majors.  At this
>rate, brethren, people like ourselves -- the elite, the brilliant,
>the vanguard of the New World Order -- could become outnumbered
>and lose control of the net.

[A collective moan echoes around the table.]

Peter:
>So far all of our efforts to drive away the riff-raff have been
>unsuccessful.  I've got news.groups bent into contortions trying
>to rewrite the Guidelines -- which we still control, of course --
>and so far nobody's caught on.  But it hasn't slowed the number of
>new groups being created.

Brad:
>I've been making rec.humor.funny more and more uninteresting, and
>posting jokes that only a CS professor would understand, much less
>laugh about.  But the number of readers keeps going up.  I don't
>know what else to do:  How can we drive people away from the net?

Gene:
>Last year's noble sacrifice by Brother Kent bought us time, but
>it was far from enough to rectify our situation -- and it left us
>with a vacancy on the Cabal.  [Nods to the Cabal's fifth member,
>who is lost in thought and does not respond]  We must take action,
>and it must be soon.

Dave:
>Chaos.  The net will fall apart; complete chaos in a matter of
>years, maybe even months.  None of this would have happened if we
>hadn't broken up AT&T, Peter.

Peter:
>Don't start blaming me again.  YOU're the one who deregulated
>cable TV, and I'm not even going to bring up Ross Perot --

Gene:
>Gentlemen, this is getting us nowhere.  We need a plan, something
>that will send the rabble packing and put USENET back in the hands
>of the ruling class, of the kind of people who designed it.  Ah,
>for the good old days, when we ruled the net with an iron fist...

[A collective wistful sigh echoes around the table.]

Rich Kulawiec:  [snaps fingers]
>Gentlemen, I have it.  I've developed a cunning plan, one that
>will drive the newbies away from the net AND reduce the number of 
>readble newsgroups at the same time.  And, best of all, we'll use
>the Guidelines to make it work!

Gene:
>Brilliant!  Nefarious!  Rich, you've made a fine addition to the
>Backbone Cabal.  Do you have a particular newsgroup in mind as you
>start putting your plan into effect?  [rubs hands together]

Rich:
>I know *just* where to begin.

[Fade to black, and to the sound of evil laughter...]

---

From: [email-masked] (Scott Forbes)
Date: 14 Nov 92 07:22:12 GMT

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(____)      (____)      (____)      (____)        Brought to you by
 \  /        \  /        \  /        \  /     the Betty Ford clinic
  ||    \\    ||    \\    ||    \\    ||    for chronic net.abusers
  ||   ////   ||   ////   ||   ////   ||

Bryant:
>Hello sports fans and welcome to the '92 Usenet Winter Olympics!
>This is Bryant Gumbel here at USPN headquarters, where we've put
>together one of the most exciting telecasts in Usenet Olympic
>history -- featuring our new AsbestosCam (TM), a special camera
>that lets you see the action as the athletes themselves see it!
>And as a special treat we also have our EgoCam (TM), which lets
>you see the athletes as they see themselves!

>Our coverage begins with one of the most thrilling spectator
>sports in the entire Usenet Olympics, one that puts 32 athletes 
>on the playing field at the same time, and doesn't end until
>there's only one athlete remaining!  Stay tuned...


                     "HEY!  You can't move
                       in that direction!              *
                     It's against the rules!"          O
"Yeah?  So   |__|           \                         -+-
what are you  ||              O                        |
gonna do      ||.............-+-....................../ \......
about it?"  .(__)////    //// |  ////    ////    //// (_) ///.
       \  o.////    ////     / \    ////    ////    ////    .
         -+-   ////    ////    ////  o ////    ////    ////.
         .| //    ////    ////    //-+-   ////    /|__|   .
        ./ \ ////    // o    ////    | //    ////   || //.
       .////    ////   -+- /    /// / \ ////    //  ||  .
      .    ////    //// |  ////    ////    ////    (__).
     .////    ////    // \    ////    ////    ////    .
    ..................................................

                            C H E S S

                  The 1992 Usenet Winter Olympics


Charles Jaco: [asleep]
>Hmph?  Oh!  Hello, sports fans, and welcome to USPN's exclusive
>coverage of the 1992 Usenet Winter Olympics.  We're here at the
>exciting Chess competition, where things have bogged down while
>the players try to settle a rules dispute.  Let's go down to the
>playing field and see how things are going...

Chip Salzenberg:  [Red Knight]
>-- but paragraph 416 of the Guidelines says that no newsgroup will
>be renamed on a Friday, which means that the 100-vote rule doesn't
>apply unless the CFV is issued on a Saturday, so that the five day
>waiting period doesn't contain a Friday.  But there's a full moon
>this weekend, so --

Dave Hayes:  [Black King]
>Wait, hold it:  I can't find my copy of paragraph 416.

Tim Pierce:  [Red Queen]
>That's too bad; you can't expect the entire net to stop what it's
>doing and wait while you get your act together.  The Guidelines
>were followed to the letter, and that's what's important here.

Gordon Van Huizen:  [Black Bishop]
>I could care less about the Guidelines.  What's important is the
>opinion of rec.music.synth's readership, not some silly rules.

Jay Maynard:  [Red Pope]
>Blasphemy!  The Guidelines are much more important that you are!

Francis Uy:  [Pink Elephant]
>Woe!  This terrible renaming has prevented one person from reading
>the rec.music.synth group!  The connection to SYNTH-L will be
>lost, lost forever!  The horror!

Bill Fenner:  [Scarlet Pumpernickel]
>Oh, GIVE it a rest.  If the readers of rec.music.synth cared about
>these things, they would have learned what "CFV" stands for, read
>halfway through an article with a misleading Subject line, and
>mailed in a vote against the change.  They didn't do this, so
>obviously they choose to be ignorant of the USENET voting process.

Dave Hayes:  [Pearl Jam]
>Are you NUTS?  No one in their right mind would know to do that!

John Stanley:  [Indigo Girls]
>*I* would have known.

Joel Furr:  [Red Hot Chili Peppers]
>*I* would have known.

Dave Hayes:  [Toad the Wet Sprocket]
>See?

Laird Nelson:  [The Replacements]
>Dave, you're being unreasonable.  Before posting, reading or even
>subscribing to a newsgroup, every person on the net should read
>and memorize the Guidelines, just like we have.  It's only fair.

Dave Hayes:  [Peter Gabriel]
>You can't be serious.  You people are trying to turn the net into
>a world of haves and have-nots, where the people who know the
>Guidelines run the network and the ignorant are beaten down --

Chip Salzenberg:  [Mojo Nixon]
>Oh, stop being so melodramatic.  We're just browbeating you into
>conformity, that's all...

Charles Jaco:  [yawning]
>As you can see, Bryant, the competition is running a little slow.
>We may have better luck tomorrow.  Then again, maybe not.

Bryant:
>Charles, I'm surprised this game doesn't have a referee of some
>kind.  Wouldn't it help in settling disputes like these?

Charles:
>Bryant, this is a highly intellectual game, and the players all
>pride themselves on being able to work out the intricate rules
>and trip each other up on minor technical points.  If there were
>an unbiased third party involved in these disputes, it would take
>a lot of the fun and excitement out of the competition.

Bryant:
>I see.  Well, thanks for the update, Charles.  Stay tuned to USPN
>for more coverage as the Usenet Winter Olympics continue!

Don Pardo:
>Coming up next:  The Bogus Analogy competition!

[stay tuned!]

---

From: [email-masked] (Scott Forbes)
Date: 15 Nov 92 07:24:36 GMT

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         o    o o o      | -> |            "WHAT the -- ?!"
        +=_.  | | |__    '----'         . o
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                        |
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                     F L A M E S L E D D I N G


Arthur Kent:
>Hello and welcome back to USPN's exclusive coverage of the 1992
>Usenet Winter Olympics.  This is Arthur Kent reporting live from
>Sarajevo, where the Flamesledding competition is underway.
>Flamesledding is one of the most dangerous events in the Olympics,
>and this year's competition has been very exciting.  Let's take a
>closer look as the news.groups team enters the gate:

Ken Arromdee:
>If everybody else were bobsledding off a cliff, would you?

Karleenus Schwartz Davis:
>Well, of course!  I mean -- AIYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Ken:
>Next!  If everybody else were bobsledding off a cliff, would you?

Jesper Lauridsen:
>Umm...  I suppose if everybody were doing it, there must be some
>good reason for it, right?

Ken:
>Sure.  [ AIYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ]  Next!  If everybody else
>were bobsledding off a cliff...

Arthur:
>It looks like we could set a record this year, sports fans.  Stay
>tuned as the Olympics continue!

                                  *

[Meanwhile, two men watch the proceedings from a nearby slope...]

Gene:
>Your plan is working flawlessly, Rich.  The sysadmins have turned
>against each other, and are trying to enforce the Guidelines where
>they were never meant to apply.  In a few days they'll be ready --
>perhaps even eager -- to return to the days of the Backbone Cabal.

Rich:
>Indeed.  There's nothing like a little threat to the status quo to
>make people feel insecure, and make them want to force a little
>order and structure onto the net.  By the time they realize what
>they've put into place, we'll be in control again.

Gene:
>And then we'll rebuild the net -- in our image.  Heh heh heh heh.
>No more rabble-rousing talk.*, soc.* or misc.* groups... just
>comp.*, sci.*, and only those rec.* groups that we approve.

Rich:
>And, of course, with the Cabal making all the decisions, there
>won't be a need for news.* anymore, will there?

Gene:
>Of course, of course.  You know, the time is coming soon when I
>will step down as head of the Cabal... and I'm starting to think
>that I may know who my successor will be.  Keep up the good work,
>Rich, and you may find yourself in the top spot someday.  But
>enough about that now:  While we're in Europe we have some Cabal
>business to attend to.  Last month's currency crisis was a great
>success, but we need to do something about the Bundesbank...

[to be continued....]

---

From: [email-masked] (Scott Forbes)
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1992 06:05:08 GMT

\\

Vin Scully:                            |     _                _
>Hello again, sports fans!  This is    |  ||| |              | |||
>Vin Scully with an update on today's  | (||| |==============| |||)
>events in the Usenet Winter Olympics. |  ||| |   \   O   /  | |||
>                                      |    '-'    '__|__'   '-'
>The Altlifting competition, after a   |              |
>fast start by Michael Nolan of the    |              |
>group alt.humor.oracle (now "rec"),   |              |
>was marred by tragedy when athlete    |             / \
>Joel Furr was crushed during an       |            /   \
>attempt to move the alt.folklore.*    |           /     \
>hierarchy.  Furr is in critical but   |
>stable condition, and is expected to  |          "Put that DOWN!"
>recover.                              |       o     o         o
>                                      |  o   -+-'  -+-   o   -+-
>A subsequent attempt by Mark Brader   | -+-   |     |  '-+-   |
>of comp.society.folklore to move only |  |   / \   / \   |   / \
>the alt.folklore.computers group also | / \             / \
>met with failure today, leaving Nolan |
>as the only athlete to have succeeded |    A L T L I F T I N G
>at this difficult, challenging event. |
                                       |1992 Usenet Winter Olympics

Vin:                                   |============ @  ===========
>Meanwhile, the semifinal round of the |||||||||| o /  * ||||||||||
>Hockey competition began today as the ||||||||| -+-  -+- |||||||||
>group soc.religion.islam.ahmadiyya    |========= | == | ==========
>was flattened 17-0 by news.groups.    |         / |  / \ @__    :
>                                      |  \ /                   :
>When asked for an explanation of the  |   .__|_o              :
>lopsided victory, news.groups team    | \                    :
>captain G. Wolfe Woodbury told us,    |  @                  :
>"We had the regular ice replaced by   |        "Where's the
>frozen Holy Water, and while the SRIA |        #%$!! PUCK?!"  o
>people were standing around arguring  |                  :   -+-
>over who would still be able to skate,|                 :   / |
>we scored 17 goals."                  |          @     :   @ / \
>                                      |       o /     :
>News.groups goes on to face the       |      -+-     :
>heavily favored rec.sport.hockey team |       |  "What puck?"
>in the championships.                 |      / \   :
>                                      |
>Stay tuned to USPN for more updates   |        H O C K E Y
>and for exclusive coverage of the     |
>Downhill Arguing competition, coming  |1992 Usenet Winter Olympics
>up right after these messages.        |

---

From: [email-masked] (Scott Forbes)
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1992 07:26:36 GMT

\\

             /\     /\                   /\            /\  /\
  /\        /  |_____|\/\     /\/\      /  \/\    /\  /  \/  \
 /  \  /\  /   | RFD | \ \   / /  \  /\/    \ \  /  \/    \   \  /\
/    \/  \/    |-----|    \ /     .\/ /   .    \/    \         \/
      \        |     |     \      |-------|                    /
               |     |            |  CFV  |
                                  |_______|
                                  |       |
                                  |       |
               \            |     |       |
                \___----''''|
                 \ announce |
        "Oops!"   \results  |
                 o \__---'''|
             \  -+- \       |                     "Start over."
              \  ||  \      |                   o        o
               \/ \   \     |                  -+-   o  -+-
                \ |                             |   -+-  |
                 \|                            / \   |  / \
                                                    / \
                            S L A L O M


Peter Arnett:
>Welcome back to USPN's coverage of the Usenet Winter Olympics!
>Today's broadcast of the Slalom event includes interviews with
>past medal-winners in this thrilling event, including last year's
>rookie sensation from sci.virtual-worlds.apps.  But first, let's
>take a look at the history of this unusual sport, which began...

                                  *

Rich:
>I don't understand it!  News.groups should be *demanding* a way to
>enforce the Guidelines by now, some way to handle errant sysadmins
>and create a more orderly net -- but there's NOTHING!  In fact,
>there are suggestions popping up everywhere to make the Guidelines
>*easier* to read and use!

Gene:
>They don't realize the consequences of simplifying the Guidelines:
>The less intimidating the Guidelines, the more newsgroups created.
>And the more newsgroups created, the more Usenet descends into the
>lawless anarchy it is swiftly becoming.  I don't know where you
>found this "Dave Hayes" character -- he's very convincing, by the
>way -- but so far your plan appears to be backfiring.

Rich:
>We need more time!  I'll tell Dave to propose a new RFD, one that
>conflicts with the original, and deliberately forces the issue...

Gene:
>You'd better hurry.  The Cabal is losing patience.  If your plan
>fails -- YOUR plan, which the Cabal has put considerable time and
>effort into backing -- I don't need to spell out the consequences.

Rich:
>I'll do everything I can.  There must be something...

                                  *

Peter:
>--next competitor is Mansoor A. Jaffery, from soc.religion.islam.
>It looks like Mansoor is having a little trouble as he makes it
>around the second turn...

Mansoor:
>Post to groups:  news.announce.newgroups, news.groups,
>                 soc.religion.islam, soc.culture.*
>Subject:         That's not the CFV!  *This* is the CFV!
>Reply-To:        /dev/null

[...rumble...]

Peter:
>Mansoor's started an avalanche of angry postings!  It's --

[Peter is buried under several thousand tons of snow.  After a few
moments, the camera returns to USPN studios.]

Bryant:
>Thanks for that exciting update, Peter!  USPN's coverage of the
>Usenet Winter Olympics will continue right after these messages.

---

From: [email-masked] (Scott Forbes)
Date: Wed, 18 Nov 1992 07:36:49 GMT

\\

                          \\    ||    \\    ||    \\    ||    \\
  ||    \\    ||    \\    ||    \\    ||         Closing Ceremonies

Bryant:
>Once again the Usenet Olympics draw to a close -- the athletes
>burned out, the facilities destroyed -- and we here at USPN give
>you our special thanks for watching with us as we recorded these
>exciting moments in Usenet sporting history.  As always, we look
>forward to the next Olympics in Summer 1993, and hope you'll join
>us then for another thrilling spectacle.
>
>We'd like to leave you with this collection of highlights from
>Usenet Olympic history past and present -- a collection of hopes
>and dreams, and moments to remember in net.history.  Have a safe
>and flame-free holiday season, and we'll see you in '93.


                   _______________________________________________
                  |                                               |
                  |            |              |                   |
The 1992 Usenet   |            | |            | |         [ ]     |
Winter Olympics   |            | |            | |          |  o   |
                  |            | |            | |          |--+-- |
                  |           ._-+---__.     /| |             |   |
brought to you    |          /  /|      '---'  /|             |   |
     by           |  --.    /                   |            / \  |
                  |  'xx'--'                    /  *        /   \ |
 Scott Forbes     |   vv-----------------------'--'               |
                  '_______________________________________________'

 ____________________________________
|                      .__________.  |
|                      |          |  |  With help from
|                      |   ____   |  |
|                      |  ^____^  |  |
|                      '---\\//---'  |  caffeinated soft drinks
|        "Did not!"        \\//      |
|   U       U       U                |  sugar frosted cereal
|  -+-  U  -+-  U  -+-               |
|   |  -+-  |  -+-  |                |  Music Television
|  / \  |  / \  |  / \               |
|      / \     / \                   |  etc.
'____________________________________'

                                                  ________________
Inspiration provided by                          |   . o          |
 Dave Hayes    Chip Salzenberg     Tim Pierce    |    x           |
 Joel Furr     Rich Kulawiec       Jay Maynard   |  -/ '          |
 Francis Uy    Gordon Van Huizen   Laird Nelson  |   |   __       |
 Bill Fenner   Jesper Lauridsen    John Stanley  |      / /  o    |
 Ken Arromdee  Karleenus Schwartz Davis          |      \ \ / o   |
 Samuel Ko     G. Wolfe Woodbury   Michael Nolan |       \ \ / o  |
 Mark Brader   Gene, Dave, Brad, Peter and Kent  |        \ \ /   |
                                                 |         \ \/\  |
 the _Illuminatus!_ trilogy by Wilson & Shea     |          \__/  |
                                                 '________________'

 ____________________
|                    |  Producer.....................Robert Redford
| "En garde!"    |   |  Director..........................Spike Lee
|                |   |
|             O) *   |    Oh, you wanted credits for *this* movie
|           --+--'   |
|             |      |  Equipment..............Allied Office Supply
|            / \     |  Catering by..................Domino's Pizza
|    -------/   \----|  Power provided by.......Commonwealth Edison
|   -----------------|  Mr. Forbes' wardrobe
'____________________'   selected by.....................Gail Stern

                                                      ____________
                                                     |            |
The preceding events are fictional, sort of.         |   |-__-''. |
There is no secret Backbone Cabal trying to gain     |   |  /\  | |
control of the net and drive normal people insane    |   | (  ) | |
with silly Guidelines and anal-retentive policies    |   |-__-''  |
written in stone by a committee of lunatics.         |   |        |
                                                     |            |
                                                     |  . U .     |
I think.                                             |   -*-      |
                                                     |    |       |
                                                     |   / \      |
                                                     '____________'

"Usenet Winter Olympics" copyright (c) 1992 by Scott Forbes.
All rights reserved.  May not be reproduced for profit without
prior consent of the author.  Void where prohibited or taxed.