Subject: Re: What does "Male-dominated society" mean?

From: [email-masked] (aaron.l.hoffmeyer)
Date: Fri, 22 Jan 1993 03:40:40 GMT

In article <[email-masked]> [email-masked] (Debi Paxton) writes:
>If a man goes out and beats up a smaller and weaker person who
>is not a family member, he will be charged with assault and hauled
>off to jail.   But for many, many years, in most communities, a
>man's home was his castle and what he did to his wife
>and kids was considered his personal business.  The neighbors,
>the police, the church, the schools, all looked the other way.
>Not their business.  Of course, it was "not nice" and one would
>prefer to avoid the unfortunate victims, who must somehow be
>responsible for their lot.  And in many homes it was a sort of
>chain of command, you know.  Dad is mad at life, he beats on
>Mom.  Mom beats the kids, the big kids beat the little ones,
>and the little ones kill cats.  Most of those kids will grow up
>to either be abusers or abused--it's the norm.  Violence begets 
>violence -- but who was at the top of that heap?  It wasn't a
>woman, and it wasn't a child.

Considering that women initiate roughly 50% of the violence within the
household (according to numerous studies (see Steinmetz, Gelles, et.
al.), I would proclaim your last statement to be false.

My own father hit my mother once--in retaliation to her hitting him.
And what did she do to get back at him for hitting her?  She downed a
bottle of sleeping pills--woke the entire neighborhood yelling and
screaming and the neighbors called the police.  The police did NOT
arrest my father, but rather, called an ambulance and had my mother's
stomach pumped.

In my relationship, which officically ended by court decree several
months ago--but in spirit ended several years ago, my ex- had no qualms
about punching, kicking, slapping, pushing or throwing things at me.
At first, I tried to laugh off her violent behavior.  After several
years of it, though, I was not so jolly.  I actually started defending
myself.  Once, when she threw a battery of punches at me, I twisted
her arm behind her back then pushed her away.  She left the house and
went to her mother's and they sat and contemplated how they could get
back at me.

My ex- has claimed that *I* have a violence, control problem, yet the
only time I ever hit her was in self-defense when she threw a punch at
my face.

My ex- was the oldest of five children and has three brothers
immediately beneath her.  As she grew up, she was the controlling older
sibling, calling all the shots with her brothers.  She also told me
that she physically fought with her brothers.  Her brothers told me
that she would hit them, but then run to her parents if they hit her
back.  She got to play the violent victim, and her parents never saw
through the charade, believing it much MORE important to teach their
sons that boys never hit girls, but not feeling the converse was as
important.  Girls have to defend themselves, after all.  If a man says
something that offends you, you slap that bastard in the face.

This is not to say that men are not violent in their homes.  Too many
are.  But women are not innocent, unviolent victims.  Many times they
are the instigators of the violence.  

Our societal mores have done a grave disservice to interpersonal
relationships.  Women are told in words, images and deeds that if a man
pisses you off, slap him in the face.  Men are told that they do NOT
have the right to hit women.  However, after they have been slapped,
kicked, punched or stabbed, they often turn violent in retaliation.  And,
true, some men use their size and power to rule their roosts, knowing
full-well society's tendency to look the other way in regards to
domestic violence.  But to characterize this problem has solely the
realm of men is not only untruthful, it completely denies the
involvement of women in such activities--making them solely victims and
rendering them completely blameless.  And that will NOT help to solve
this problem.

A man who I met almost a year ago, who now has sole custody of his
children, had been attacked by his wife several weeks before I met
him.  She had punched him in the eye while she had her keyring wrapped
around her fingers.  The punch gashed his eyebrow.  Soon after his wife
punched him, she tried to run over him with her car.   Then SHE called
the police to report that her husband was beating her up.  When the
police arrived, they took one look at him bleeding profusely and trying
to calm the crying children, and one look at her, ranting and raving
that she wanted him locked up, and they asked HIM if he would like to
file charges.  He said, "Yes."  She ran, then resisted arrest, and even
hit one of the police officers several times.  She was convicted.
Neighbors testified against her.  She now has supervised visitation
with her children.

>Violence begets 
>violence -- but who was at the top of that heap?  It wasn't a
>woman, and it wasn't a child.

I agree with your first statement:  slaps, punches and kicks beget the
same or worse.  However, women are just as likely to initiate the
violence as men.

Aaron L. Hoffmeyer
[email-masked]