Subject: Skeptical of Child Sexual Abuse Allegations made during Divorces?

From: [email-masked] (aaron.l.hoffmeyer)
Date: Tue, 19 May 1992 06:45:19 GMT

When I was 17 I worked on a huge corporate farm in rural Indiana.  The
farm cultivated over 10,000 acres - mostly seed corn and soybeans.
Every summer they had a "baling crew" - a group of young, strong men
who baled hay and straw almost exclusively.  There were usually about
20 young men in the crew.  When I was 17, I got picked (the farm
employed over 1,000 people during the summer - detasseling and rogueing
corn, baling hay, planting, working in their factory).  The baling
job was probably the hardest but there was minimal supervision (as
opposed to all the other jobs they had) and every once in a while, free
dinner and paid overtime.

One day I was working in a barn with 6 other guys - unloading straw from
hay wagons and putting it in the loft.  I was on the wagon,
throwing bales up into the loft where it was stacked.  I was on top of a
fully loaded wagon.  It was towards the end of the day, I was dehydrated
and exhausted.  Evidently, I was not thinking very clearly.

There is a standard procedure for unloading such a wagon.  You start
taking off the bales on top at either end, working your way to the middle
of the wagon, then start on the next level.  There is a reason for this
- it is the only logical way to unload the wagon, the bales on the end
have only one bale beside them - holding them in place, and you are about 15
feet up in the air standing on stuff that is just not very stable.

In my dehydrated state, I stood on the end bale and reached down and
grabbed the second bale in from the end by the baling twine (it was
being held in palce by the end bale and the 3rd bale).  I pulled
straight up on it - pretty hard.  It was stuck.  I pulled again, very
hard this time.  The twine broke and the momentum (potential energy) of
my motion caused me to just go flying backwards.

I landed on the tongue of the wagon which was still attached to the
tractor.  I hit it squarely and solidly - right in the middle of my ribs
on my side.  I was very fortunate.  I landed on the part of my body that
most resembles a balloon.  Needless to say, the balloon deflated.

As I lay there, it was immediately apparent that I had no air.  I tried
to make a sound, but there was nothing to make a sound with.  I fought
furiously for air.  It probably took almost 30 seconds before I could
relax my diaphram enough to take the first breath.  By that time, my
face was ashen, my lips were blue, and the other guys in the barn were
thinking I was seriously hurt.  After several breaths, they witnessed a
remarkable recovery.  I was back to work (in the loft this time) after 
we all took a break of about 5 minutes (refueling, rehydration).

Last Saturday I had a scheduled appointment with my Guardian Ad Litem
and my ex-wife2b.  We were to put in place a new visitation schedule for
me and discuss shared parenting as a final resolution for our custody
dispute.  I was there at 9:45 am.  The meeting was to start at 10:00 am.
At about 10 after 10, the lawyer's secretary tried to get in touch with
him to see where he was.  She tried for over an hour with no luck.  My 
ex2b did not show.  At 11:15 the guardian shows up, sees me in his
waiting room and makes some statement like, "Didn't anyone tell you this
was cancelled?"  Then he told me that he wanted to talk to me for a few
minutes.

I went into his office.  

He told me that my ex2b had called him last Monday and again on
Wednesday and had alleged that I had sexually molested my two sons.

I said, "Oh, God!" and the air just left my lungs.  It wasn't exactly
like falling off the wagon, but, in retrospect, I am glad I was sitting
down. 

Now, those of you who have followed my divorce know that it has been
crazy and stupid and that I have had to deal with a long series of
allegations on her part.   Everyone involved in this case from the
third-party perspective has been telling me that this allegation would
be next.  Her personality profile is such that she will just continue
to escalate the allegations as long as the court tolerates them and as
long as they keep me on the defensive and away from my children.  Two
psychologists involved in this case, my attorney, many folks in these
groups, men in the local father's rights group, people at work, and my
family have all told me that this would be next.  That's why I have
been concerned with and have addressed the topic of false allegations
of abuse against children made during divorce custody disputes.  It was
something that I anticipated.

And now it is here.

The guardian went on to tell me that he thinks that my ex2b is a
terrible liar.  He has wanted me to have joint physical and legal
custody since the first time I met and talked with him.  He had clearly
expressed that at the mediation session the previous week to both my
ex2b and me.  My ex2b was starting to believe that I was going to get
shared parenting and decided to go back on the offensive.  The guardian
told me that there were only two possibilities about these latest
allegations - either I was a sick fuck who was purposely doing
everything to destroy myself, or that she was a liar who would stoop to
anything to win this custody dispute.  He told me that he tended very
strongly to believe that latter.  But he also told me that he had told
my ex2b to take the children to Children's Hospital to have them
interviewed and interogated by the doctors there.  He stated that he
was going to reserve judgement until he got their report, but if they
were as skeptical as he was, he was going to go to the court and insist
that I get sole custody of my children.

But I have this looming doubt - why didn't anyone contact me and tell me
what was going on - even just informing me that the mediation session had
been cancelled.  Why wasn't I informed of these latest allegations until
Saturday - when she made them kind of on Monday, then emphatically on
Wednesday?  Why wasn't my attorney informed?

I told him that my attorney was going to go apeshit when she heard
this.  I told her later that day.  In fact, this is how I told her.  I
asked her, "What hasn't Andrea alleged against me in this case, yet?"  

She said, "Being a drunk?"  

"No."  

"Being a druggie?"

I said, "No, she is alleging that I sexually molested the boys."

She asked, "Are you willing to take a lie-detector test (although, being
a defense attorney, you can imagine what my opinion of them is)?"

I said, "Yes, anytime."

Then she said, "You know, don't you, that making false sexual abuse
allegations is a prosecutable offense?"

I talked to her last night and this morning again.  She told me that
she has talked to the doctors that conducted the interviews and
investigation of my ex2b's allegations.  The doctors got NO
CONFIRMATION of any of my ex2b's allegations from the children.  They
have no reason to believe that any of her statements are true, and
given the circumstances, think that my ex2b is lying.

Tomorrow my attorney and I are filing for an emergency hearing for an
immediate change of custody.  I am also seriously debating filing
charges against her for making false allegations.  Her behavior was
predicted - predicted as a determining factor for which one of us was
lying - they knew if she escalated the allegations as it became apparent
to everyone involved that I was going to get shared parenting - that
probably all her unproveable allegations were false and that she would
say and maybe even do anything to obtain sole custody.

There are so many allegations of sexual abuse of children made by
mothers against fathers during divorces that the courts and
psychologists have a standard name for this tactic - the "Atom Bomb"
strategy.  Typically it takes a father up to a year and thousands and
thousands of dollars to prove that the allegations are false and all
during that time the mother is the primary (sole) caretaker.  Because
it is almost impossible to prove that the allegations are totally
false, the father can, at best, maybe get visitation rights to see his
children restored.  Hardly ever does a father get custody after such
allegations are made.  Many fathers just give up and leave.  They don't
have the money or the wherewithall to fight the allegations.  Many
can't stand the embarrassment and social condemnation of just being
accused of sexually abusing their children.  Amazingly, if the children
are daughters, society tends to believe the allegations are true until
proven otherwise - despite lack of evidence (see information on the
Greg and Kathy Swan case in Washington state - they have been in prison
for 7 years - and they were railroaded and setup by the child social
welfare system and the courts).  It is a very powerful tactic.  It
probably accomplishes the desired goal - of completely alienating and
socially ostrasizing the father of the children - the vast majority of
times that these mothers go nuclear.  Hardly ever does the bomb blow up
in their faces.

But the courts have seen so many of these things that they have started
looking for signs of cases in which these allegations might crop up.
My divorce was typical of the pattern - abuse allegations that could
not be proven at the beginning of the divorce, child abuse allegations
(physical) with charges even filed for spanking my children five months
into the divorce, a period of no access to the children (a temporary
victory for her) during which I have had to fight the abuse charges and
fight for rights to see my children and to try and resolve the custody
dispute.  Finally, it looked to everyone like, despite her allegations,
I was going to get shared parenting and at least, standard visitation.
Everyone involved stated that her next set of allegations would be
sexual in nature.  The court had been instructed by my attorney to
anticipate sexual abuse allegations in this case.  And sure enough, she
made the allegations.

I have the option of filing a tort against her for damages.  I think I
am going to let the attorneys and psychologists point me in the right
direction on what we should do next.  I'll probably put a tort off until
after the next custoday trial is completed.  I might not ever file for
damages - it is rare that it is even worth the effort.

This has been a long, terrible, and painful affair.  Now it looks to me
like she has shot herself in the foot.  I was worried at first -
primarily because I don't trust the social services industry and those
poorly paid, overworked employees that are predisposed to find guilt when
there is none.  Luckily, the guardian insisted that she take the
children to the experts - the doctors and not the social workers.

I assume that the guardian will follow through with his statements and
recommend that I get sole custody, but he might come back with
something like, "just because the allegations were completely
unsubstantiated, and just because everyone involved understood that if
she was lying from the get-go that she would make these allegations
next, that doesn't mean that you didn't do what she alleges."  Just
because her behavior was predicted, that doesn't mean that we can prove
conclusively that she was lying - the kids are too young  - 3 and 4.
And there is still that "tender years" bias in place.  Who knows what
the guardian will finally decide to do?  Then, who knows what the court
will do?  I have virtually no faith in the system - they have done so
little to foster any amount of faith in the last year that I am still on
"E".  This system sucks and there is no question of that in my mind.
However, I am still in the system and I have to try my hardest to get a
fair decision.

Well, I wonder if anyone out there knows what other options I have
available to me?  What do I need to do at this point?  I know I have a
good attorney and I am sure that all the professionals involved in this
divorce are now on my side, but getting the court to make a radical
decision such as completely giving me sole custody will still be
difficult.  They hate making decisions down there in domestic relations
court - in spite of her predicted behavior, the lack of evidence of her
allegations - all of them - and strong recommendations made by
professionals.

Besides, my ex2b will probably just radically escalate the allegations
and fight very hard in court to prove that I am unfit.  We are
definitely looking at a trial.  You don't really think that she is going
to throw in the towel at this point, do you?

So, any advice out there in netland?

Aaron L. Hoffmeyer
[email-masked] 

P.S.  The personality profile for mothers making these false
allegations of abuse during divorces is pretty well laid out and
understood by psychologists.  1) boderline personality, 2) hard time
keeping jobs (liars get fired a lot), 3) abuse as a child likely, 4)
product of dysfunctional home, 5) allegations of domestic violence
against spouse and portrayal of self as victim of male oppressor, 6)
violent and quick temper (the guardian has now seen her temper), 7)
allegations of abuse against the children by male oppressor, 8)
portrayal of herself as "caring, nurturer" who is only concerned about
the welfare of the children - presents self as saintly co-dependent who
finally broke free from co-dependency and abusive spouse, 9)
allegations of terrible character of male oppressor, 10) allegations of
sexual molestation of sexual abuse of children.

What is next in the predictable behavior pattern?  If I get sole
custody, the personality profile predicts that she will try to
interfere with custody and make many more allegations of abuse - pretty
much every time she gets to see the kids.  It is also predicted that I
will have Children's Protective Services at my house many times - until
they get tired of her crying, "Wolf!"  And, if she has to pay child
support, the personality profile predicts that she will either:  1)
leave to avoid payments and have nothing to do with kids, then will
show up again maybe a year later with a whole new game plan or just
never come back,  or 2) that she will attempt to kidnap the children
and take them out of the country, or she will go underground with
them.  

This could be what I have to look forward to - it is the predictable
behavior based on everything she has done so far.

Folks, I need to know everything ....  What all should I be doing?
I would greatly appreciate your input.

---

From: [email-masked] (aaron.l.hoffmeyer)
Date: Fri, 22 May 1992 00:52:57 GMT

In article <[email-masked]> [email-masked] (Mark Horton) writes:
>In article <[email-masked]> [email-masked] (aaron.l.hoffmeyer) writes:
>
>Aaron - you sound much better than you did when you called Saturday.

Yes, last Saturday I was pretty shocked.  I was calling everybody -
"somebody, please answer the phone."  I'm really glad you were home.

>Glad things are looking better for you!

>Wonderful news!  Glad to hear the GAL is in your court!
>

Yes, she even contacted the police.  When I told the Guardian, he told
me that he was going to call her and tell her that  he was very upset
with her actions and that he was going to recommend that I get sole
custody.  That's what he told me.  Is that just giving her fair warning
so she can skip with the kids?  Why would he want to call her and tell
her in advance that he was going to recommend that I get sole custody?

>I'd ask how it went, but I don't really expect our courts to grant an
>emergency hearing for anything.  They wouldn't grant one to save Ohio
>$6 million to avoid an extra primary election, they wouldn't grant one
>to the World Wildlife Federation to prevent Pandas from coming to the
>Columbus Zoo, they wouldn't grant one to me to get permission to accept
>a wonderful job offer while the offer was available.  (My own case has
>been continued for at least 2 months and psychologicals and a GAL and
>a CPS investigation ordered - my ex has filed for custody as a stalling
>tactic.  Also predicted and expected, but the referee is still making me
>stay here and not take the job.)  I imagine it will be months before any
>court will consider changing custody in your case.
>

I don't know how, or why, but I got an *emergency* hearing scheduled for
June 3rd.  Of course when my attorney contacted her attorney and told him
the date, he had a conflict.  But my attorney was too shrewd for that.
She called first as a prospective client who could only meet with her
attorney on June 3rd.  His secretary told my attorney that he had an
adoption at 10:00 am, but that would be over by noon - he was free all
afternoon.  Then my attorney called back and told him the court date was
June 3rd.  When he balked, she told him that she had just set up an
appointment with him on the afternoon of June 3rd - that his secretary
had  told her that he was free all afternoon.  So she told him that we
will see them on the afternoon of June 3rd and hung up.

>Hmm.  If you want a quick change of custody, you might consider:
>
>(1) Get CPS to change custody.  They are the only ones who can do it
>quickly.  If the GAL pushes for this they might do it.
>

This might  be a good option, I'll tell my attorney about it.

>(2) If that fails, get a Temporary Restraining Order requiring her to
>remain in the area or something.  If she does skip you might have
>grounds for an immediate custody change.  That doesn't keep your kids
>where they can see you, but it does give you grounds to go after her,
>and stops the drain of huge amounts of child support.
>

Need that too.

>>understood by psychologists.
>
>Do you have references on this list?  Seems like a strange list to me.

I'll try to get a copy of the complete list.  Actually, there were 20
items on the list.  My psychologist read the list to me in his office 
and told me to make note of how much my ex2b fit the profile.  Except
for the sexual abuse allegations, kidnapping the kids and making threats 
of serious violence - well, she was 17 for 20.  Now she is 18 for 20.

>
>1) boderline personality,
>
>What does this mean?

It is pretty generic.  It basically means "messed up," but capable of
living a normal life if the person really wants to, or if the person
gets help, medical or psychological - whatever applies.  I'm not sure
of the origin of the "term."  The way the Minnesota MultiPhasic
Inventory (I can't recall if I have that right - MMPI1 and MMPI2) is
scored, and the way many psychological batteries are scored, there is a
cutoff line that means "the end of the range that is considered
normal."  If you have a lot of scores that are near or around the "end
of normal" line, then you are borderline.

>>2) hard time keeping jobs (liars get fired a lot),
>Sounds like my ex.
>
>>3) abuse as a child likely,
>OK
>
>4) product of dysfunctional home,
>OK
 
>>5) allegations of domestic violence against spouse and portrayal of self
>   as victim of male oppressor,
>
>This is standard for any woman in a divorce - her lawyer claims this.

For a lot of women who like the "victim" role.  Playing the victim can
be quite successful.  Little girls can learn this at a very young age.
When they become women, they still have it to fall back on.   A lot of
them resort to it.  Of course, that doesn't mean that women are not
victims, many are.  But many like thinking of themselves as victims.
They get things for being victims - sympathy and support among others.

>6) violent and quick temper (the guardian has now seen her temper),
>OK

Aggressive posturing - rolling-pin stuff.  They feel they can get away
with it because they are victims.  The man deserved it.  He had it
coming.

>>7) allegations of abuse against the children by male oppressor,
>Standard during divorce
>
>>8) portrayal of herself as "caring, nurturer" who is only concerned about
>>   finally broke free from co-dependency and abusive spouse,
>Standard during divorce
 
>>9) allegations of terrible character of male oppressor,
>
>Standard during divorce

>>10) allegations of sexual molestation of sexual abuse of children.
>
>This tells me my ex is part way there.  She makes lots of allegations,
>but they are all mickey mouse and meaningless.  I think my ex actually
>believes most of her allegations - if she were going to go Atom Bomb
>she would have already done it.

I wish I could remember all 20 items on the list.  Alcoholism or
excessive drinking was on the list - either by the person in question or
by some immediate family member.  Drug use was on the list.  I can see
now that this list will be very valuable in court.

>>they get tired of her crying, "Wolf!"
>
>Get CPS to change custody if they see the pattern.
>
>>And, if she has to pay child
>>never come back,
>There are more subtle forms of this, such as quitting her job (she's a
>liar, right?  Unstable employment) and taking a lower paying job long
>enough to get the payment reduced.
>
>>or 2) that she will attempt to kidnap the children
>>and take them out of the country, or she will go underground with them.  
>
>Let's hope she doesn't go this far.
>
>	Mark

Let's hope.  The Guardian has given her plenty of warning though.

Aaron L. Hoffmeyer
[email-masked]