Parents! Caregivers! Older siblings with credit cards! Does someone in the family whine just too damn much? Does the moaning, complaining, shrieking grate away at your sanity? Now comes to you a service of such obvious usefulness, it’s a miracle it hasn’t been invented before.

It’s the wahmbulance!

What is it? We are a mobile service to give you a reprieve from the noise, that horrible noise, that noise that makes you think of inconceivably wrong ways of permanently solving the problem. You call us – our number is nine wahn wahn wahn wahn.

Once our twenty-four hour operations centre receives your call, and your credit card number, we spring into action. Our specially trained pawahmedics rush to your location with one of our patent-protected emergency silence vehicle. Upon arrival, we take into custody the noisemaker and safely store him or her in the secure silent storage compartment of our vehicles.

Is it safe & effective? Our world class engineers designed the best quality sound suppression and rubber padding enclosure for our vans. All six walls are covered with six inches of translucent rubber tiles that permit necessary ventilation and light, but are impervious to damage and to sound in the audible frequencies. A screaming five-year-old may emit 120 dBA, but through the walls it’s not even a whimper. Study after study has shown that the fastest legal (non-wounding) means of teaching a noisemaker to shut the heck up is to place him or her into a place where no one else is bothered.

Is it legal? Certainly. While a noisemaker is being protected from the consequences of his or her shrieks, the private-option wahmbulance van stays parked on your driveway, with you holding the ignition & lock keys. The noisemaker cannot be removed from this temporary extension to your home. Or if you’re on a tight budget, you may opt for our cheaper semi-private option, where a multi-enclosure bus may roam to collect multiple noisemakers from a neighbourhood. In this case, a live muted video feed lets you monitor your own noisemaker from the comfort of your local internet video receiver. Since no medical care is provided for the individuals in temporary custody, no particular licensing agency is involved.

After a few minutes or hours or days, when you’re ready to let the noisemaker rejoin your social cohesion unit, just dial nine whan whan whan whan whan. Our storage/education tank works so well, we hardly ever to serve the same person twice.

Call now.
Franchise opportunities available.