(Message inbox:15) Return-Path: io.org!mrclean Received: from rock.db.toronto.edu ([128.100.2.115]) by roll.db.toronto.edu with SMTP id <12083>; Sat, 1 Oct 1994 15:26:54 -0400 Received: from io.org ([142.77.27.2]) by rock.db.toronto.edu with SMTP id <9045>; Sat, 1 Oct 1994 15:26:35 -0400 Received: from bertrand.ccs.carleton.ca (bertrand.ccs.carleton.ca [134.117.1.42]) by io.org (8.6.9/8.6.9) with SMTP id PAA09900 for ; Sat, 1 Oct 1994 15:04:31 -0400 Received: from tvo.org by bertrand.ccs.carleton.ca (4.1/SMI-4.0) id AA07167; Sat, 1 Oct 94 15:04:39 EDT Message-Id: <3607404447.86474501@tvo.tvo.org> Date: Sat, 1 Oct 1994 03:48:49 -0400 From: Tom_Evans@tvo.org (Tom Evans) Organization: From TVOntario's Public BBS Reply-To: Tom_Evans@tvo.org Subject: NET.SCANDAL gemstones - Fwd: HAPPYNET To: net_scandal@io.org ANCIENT FORWARDED ARTICLE - a serious favourite. IMPORTANT PROCLAMATION: THE FUTURE OF THE NET IS AT HAND! (forwarded from news.admin.policy. Make your plans accordingly) In article kibo@world.std.com writes: >P R O C L A M A T I O N & M A N I F E S T O >*********************************************** > >WHEREAS, the computer network named USENET has insurmountable flaws: > >=> It is cluttered with thousands of disorganized groups. > >=> It is difficult to use due to the various software interfaces. > >=> It is infected with viruses, especially in the .signatures. > >=> There is no formal rulebook and no official administration. > >=> Bozos abound. > >=> Power-crazed maniacs frequently try to manipulate Usenet at their whim. > >These problems are most important. THEREFORE, in an official and secret >democratic vote, Kibo has been duly elected LEADER OF THE NET. To correct >this heinous situation, LEADER KIBO has decided to take bold measures, >a brave new initiative, detailed herein. > >WAKE UP, IT'S 1994! THE FUTURE WILL NOT WAIT FOR A VOTE! > >Here is what Leader Kibo has decided--what MUST be done--what WILL be done: > >PHASE ONE. GLOBAL RMGROUPS FOR ALL USENET GROUPS WILL BE > ISSUED ON 4/15/94, 06:00 GMT. > >A Day Without Usenet shall pass, and it will be a time of rest for >government employees. Many will discover life, or at least television. >Desperate soc.singles readers will have nervous breakdowns. ClariNet >will go bankrupt. UUNET's modems will cool off. The world >will rotate a full three hundred sixty degrees just the same. > >Every Usenet group, and all its associated problems, will have been >wiped off the face of the Earth forever by the might of the rmgroup. >Of course, to prevent any power-crazed maniacs from putting the >groups back, the newsgroup `control' will be rmgrouped FIRST. Thus, >the situation will be permanent. Nobody will undo the Pax Kibotica! > >PHASE TWO. NEWGROUPS FOR THE GROUPS IN THE NEW HIERARCHY WILL > BE ISSUED ON 4/16/43, 06:00 GMT. > >The new network shall be named HAPPYNET, as it will be a Better Place. >Usenet is dead. Long live HappyNet! > >********* HAPPYNET: THE NET THAT'S HAPPIER THAN YOU! ********* > >UNDER THE AUSPICES OF THE ALL-WISE LEADER KIBO, >THE NEW NETWORK SHALL BE ORGANIZED THUSLY: > >Three hierarchies encompassing ALL HUMAN DISCOURSE: > >=> nonbozo.* > >=> bozo.* > >=> megabozo.* > >All topics discussed on Usenet, and even deeper topics which COULD >be discussed on Usenet but AREN'T, will fit nicely in those three-- >NO EXCEPTIONS. Extensive time and motion studies have been >performed in the name of efficiency to maximize your pleasure! >Existing groups will be moved into the new organization >scheme, resulting in nonbozo.news.announce.newusers, bozo.rec.pets, >megabozo.talk.bizarre, nonbozo.comp.virus, bozo.alt.sex, >megabozo.alt.fan.lemurs, bozo.postmodern, megabozo.org.mensa, >nonbozo.clari.news.urgent, megabozo.megabozo.megabozo.religion.kibology, >etc., as determined by scientific measurements of the bozosity of the >groups, measured by Leader Kibo's Council On Scientific Bozosity and the >faculty of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (Troy, NY), world leaders in >bozosity assessment. These truly scientific procedures were developed >and pre-tested by Drs. Todd M. McComb and Tim Gallagher and are patented >to prove that they are good! > >It is estimated that the statistical breakdown of HappyNet will be thus: > > 1.0000% nonbozo.* >90.0000% bozo.* > 9.0000% megabozo.* (Computations courtesy of Bell Labs) > >Bozo.* will, of course, be subdivided logically: bozo.nerd.*, bozo.tv.*, >bozo.inane.*, bozo.boring.*, bozo.sex.*, bozo.argue.*. > >New groups will also be added for MAXIMUM ENJOYMENT. The network would >be a very unfair place if only Leader Kibo were allowed to propose new >groups. Instead, because Leader Kibo is benevolent and omnisagaciously >father-like, he will create WHATEVER GROUP YOU WANT (even, say, >megabozo.kibo.is.a.blenny!) provided that (a) you follow the Official >Procedure, filing all five copies of your request in triplicate and then >making seven carbons of each, and (b) you pay Leader Kibo $160 for each >letter in the new group's name, and $720 for each period. UNLIKE SOMEARCHAIC SYSTEMS, VOWELS DO NOT COST EXTRA. PAT SAJAK IS EVIL! > >Of course, thanks to Leader Kibo's awesome foresight, new groups will >probably not be needed. A simple computer program will generate all >groupnames from *.aaaaa.aaaaa.aaaaa.aaaaa to *.zzzzz.zzzzz.zzzzz.zzzzz. >This will encompass ALL possibilities in a COMPLETELY LOGICAL FASHION, >maximally efficient yet FUN! Prudence and foresight by LEADER KIBO! > >There will even be a .d group for every regular group. In fact, >the .d groups will even have their own .d.d groups for metadiscussion >of whether or not the new .d.d.d and .d.d.d.d groups are needed at all! > >The wealth of new groups will also cut down on those annoying egomaniacal >posters who try to post the same article to EVERY group, because it will >become physically impossible to post to ALL groups within a MORTAL LIFETIME! > >But wait, there's more--over six billion groups MORE will be added at >HappyNet's inception--free of charge! > >********* HAPPYNET: EVERYONE IS EQUALLY EQUAL! ********* > >To promote EQUALITY and POLITICAL CORRECTNESS (the good kind), Leader >Kibo has decided to correct the inequality of the distribution of >"personal" groups. Some people, or groups of people, currently are >popular enough to have groups named in their honor: alt.weemba, >alt.fan.john-palmer, alt.fan.monty-python, alt.fan.dave-barry, >alt.fan.mike-jittlov, alt.fan.naked-guy, alt.religion.kibology, >alt.fan.alok-vijayvargia, alt.fan.harry-mandel. Because everyone is >equal before the eyes of wise Leader Kibo, it was decided that EVERYONE >WILL HAVE THEIR OWN GROUP on HappyNet. This will celebrate the >global diversity of our users, demonstrating for once and for all >that they are all unique, but unique in exactly the same way! > >A scientific questionnaire developed specifically for the purpose will be >mailed to everyone on the planet. It will read: > > Dear Citizen Of The New Network, > > You are being given your own HappyNet group. Its placement > will depend on your answer to this simple question. > > ARE YOU A BOZO? (CHECK EXACTLY ONE) [] YES [] NO > > I care, > Leader Kibo > >People who answer "yes" will be given groups in bozo.personal.*, and >people who answer "no" will be given groups in megabozo.personal.*. >People who refuse to answer, or show contempt for the process, will be >taken (by the Network Security Patrol Force) to the Citadel Of Judgment >to appear before the Council Of Bozosity, who will examine the person and >assign them either bozo.weenie.* or megabozo.weenie.*. > >Of course, this would be POINTLESS if anyone in the world were DENIED >ACCESS to HappyNet. > >********* HAPPYNET: A NET IN EVERY POT! ********* > >Net access will be provided to EVERY SINGLE PERSON, LIVING, UNBORN, OR >DEAD, thanks to the new TELESCREENS which will be installed in every room >of every building on the planet. Not only will this encourage higher net >communications volume, it will also help Leader Kibo be a good leader, as >it will allow Leader Kibo to instantly broadcast to all his subjects, and >to see how they are feeling and what they are doing. > >But simple TELESCREENS in LIVING ROOMS, BEDROOMS, and BATHROOMS are >not enough to ensure FREEDOM and EQUALITY. Neural transceivers will >be implanted, FREE, at BIRTH in all newborns, allowing them to "jack in" >to HappyNet, transmitting articles, sounds, and even GIF files at >the speed of thought! They won't even have to worry about spelling-- >they'll just THINK and their EVERY THOUGHT will be broadcast into >EVERYONE ELSE'S HEADS! > >And because Leader Kibo CARES and values YOUR opinion, this will even >allow Leader Kibo to know what his subjects are THINKING, thanks to the >heroic actions of the NETWORK SECURITY PATROL FORCE. > >********* HAPPYNET: WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING ********* > >The Network Security Patrol Force, or NSPF, will be composed of volunteer >system administrators who wish to enforce the continued accuracy, >relevance, and acceptability of HappyNet postings. They will monitor, >censor, and cancel bad postings, made by EVIL SUBVERSIVES who attempt to >DEPRIVE you of your HAPPINESS. These SUPPRESSIVE PERSONS will be >hunted down and suppressed! > >NSPF officers have really spiffy uniforms, especially the shiny gas masks, >well-balanced batons, six-inch-thick shoulder pads and twelve-inch cleats. > >And, of course, they will punish evildoers, night or day. HappyNet >never sleeps. > >********* HAPPYNET: SLEEP TIGHT WITH ALL THE SECURITY IN THE WORLD! ********* > >But what of those EVIL organizations that simply want to SPY on you? Well, >the NSPF won't have to even TRY to prevent that, because the LOGICAL PLAN >of HAPPYNET will defeat that automatically! If some three-letter government >agency wants to SCAN all articles for WORDS LIKE "NUCLEAR BOMB" or >"WHITEWATER", it will be IMPOSSIBLE because not even the fastest >computer in the WORLD--the CRAY-9000--could search ALL THOSE GROUPS, EVER!!! > >********* HAPPYNET: ACCURACY IS EVERYTHING ON HAPPYNET! ********* > >Here are examples of infractions against the unwritten rules of HappyNet, >and the punishments the NSPF will bring against the villains. > > >.signature longer than four lines: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110 >baud. > >.signature has giant ASCII graphic: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110 >baud on a Braille terminal after having fingers rubbed with sandpaper. > >Posting an article consisting solely of "Me too!": Poster's legal name is >officially changed to "Me Too". > >Calling a newsgroup a "bboard" or "notesfile": Forced to memorize >Webster's Ninth. > >Spelling "too" as "to", "it's" as "its", "lose" as "loose", "you're" >as "your", or any of the following--"wierd", "Anti-Semetic", "senerio", >or "masterbation": Forced to write out Webster's Ninth ten times. > >Asking what ":-)" means: Drawing, quartering, and turning sideways. > >Using "" instead of ":-)": being sent back to GEnie, AOL, Delphi, etc. > >Sending a newgroup message without permission of Leader Kibo: Poster is >forced to adopt twelve wacky sitcom children. > >Posting flames outside of a *.flame group: Poster is allowed to read only >groups about fluffy puppies. > >Posting "Please send e-mail, since I don't read this group": Poster is >rendered illiterate by a simple trepanation. > >*Plonk*ing outside talk.bizarre: Poster is *plonked*--LITERALLY. > >Asking for people to send cards to Craig Shergold: Poster must answer >all of Craig's mail. > >Posting the "Dave Rhodes: MAKE MONEY FAST" scam: Poster must answer all >of Craig's and Dave's mail while also memorizing the script to every >episode of "Knight Rider" and doing voice exercises like saying >"NANCY, HAND THE MAN THE DANDY CANDY" ten million times and also >being forced to eat cottage cheese we found piled up on the sidewalk. > >Posting to aus.* from the USA: Poster is deported to Australia after having >a "Kick Me, Mate" sign glued to their forehead. > >Posting an article with a malformed address so that mail bounces when >people reply: Poster and/or their admin are sent back to kindergarten. > >.signature huge script letters: Poster is forced to tattoo HappyNet >slogans on their body in huge script letters. > >Excess CAPITALIZATION & PUNCTUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Poster is issued a new >keyboard without capitals or punctuation. The space bar will be clearly >labelled. > >*Excess*asterisks*in*.signature*: Poster is hit with one shuriken for >each asterisk. > >Articles quoted in followup, but no new semantic content appended: Poster >is forced to watch a "Small Wonder" marathon on cable TV. > >Advertising on the net: Poster is forced to pay Leader Kibo for the >advertising time. > >Asking help for some program but not saying what sort of computer you're >using: Poster's computer is reduced to 1K RAM. > >Arguing over whose computer is better: Being introduced to Leader Kibo, >whose custom Turbissimo MoNDO Zeugma 6866688786/XA/sxe/IV computer is far >better than theirs and will make them cry in humiliation. > >Giving away the secret of "The Crying Game": No punishment. > >Making fools of people in rec.org.mensa with pranks: No punishment >necessary for something that simple. After all, some people could >even do it by accident. > >Referring to the NSPF as "The Thought Police": Execution. > >Humor impairment: Execution. > >Saying "Imminent death of the net predicted!": Imminent execution of >poster predicted. > >Mentioning Star Trek outside of the Star Trek groups: "Star Trek: >Deep Space Nine" is cancelled, and all tapes of the original series are >burned. William Shatner will direct all future movies. > > >There are other helpful rules and regulations, but they are double secret. > >Of course, various branches of the NSPF will specialize in various >enforcements: the Spelling Squad, the Grammar Goons, the Definition >Draconians, the Typo Tyrants, the Capitalization Captains, the Pedantic >Patriots, the Cross-Post Crushers, the Cascade Commandos, and >the .signature .specialforce. There will even be a special detail to >track down, and burn, copies of the Green Golfball Joke. > >********* HAPPYNET: MODERATION IN ALL THINGS! ********* > >The concept of moderated groups will be retained for a few groups, >with minor changes. > >Alt.flame (renamed megabozo.alt.flame) will be moderated by Dave Lawrence, >as his news.announce.newgroups duties have been assumed by Leader Kibo. >Dick Depew will be assigned the task of making up an imaginative >Message-ID for every article in the world. (He will also unleash random >daemons onto the net to destroy the unpleasant signal to noise ratio >completely.) > >A program that determines how funny an article is by measuring the >frequency of the "k" sound (an elementary comedic principle discovered in >Kukamonga, Arkansas) will replace rec.humor.funny moderator Maddi Hausmann, >allowing her to devote full time to assisting Brad Templeton's >nonbozo.clarinet.* duties. > >Serdar Argic will be the official underliner of HappyNet. Every time >the word "turkey" is mentioned, he will post a followup underlining and >circling it. This will be a tremendous help to people looking for >low-fat recipes. > >Jay O'Connell has volunteered to personally deliver an envelope labelled >THESE ARE ALL THE TOPLESS PICTURES OF MARINA SIRTIS THERE ARE to all >users to prevent them from asking for them over and over. This should >reduce the bandwidth by an estimated 90%. > >Iain Sinclair will ensure that the link between Australia and the rest of >the world is down on a regular schedule, instead of an irregular one. >He has also been commissioned to design the NSPF uniforms, with the >blessings of the Florida Citrus Council and the California Leather Council. > >And, of course, a world-class anonymous-posting server will be >established. Not only will it remove your name from your postings (so >that you don't have to worry about defending your opinions) but it will >also eliminate the opinions themselves. Thus, don't be surprised to see >a lot of anonymous postings in bozo.alt.sex.stories saying simply >"I have no opinion on homosexuality." HappyNet will help us all to get >along, even the people with no names. > >But what about those disclaimers that state that your opinion is not >that of IBM, McDonalds, MIT, Scientology, etc.? > >Disclaimers are NOT required on articles, therefore you MUST include >the following: > > DISCLAIMER: THIS DISCLAIMER IS NOT REQUIRED BY LEADER KIBO. > THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT NECESSARILY REPRESENT THE OPINIONS OF LEADER KIBO. > THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT NECESSARILY DISAGREE WITH LEADER KIBO EITHER. > HAVE A NICE DAY! > >Also, for your protection, Leader Kibo has filed a copyright claim on >HappyNet. Thus, any postings without a copyright notice become the >intellectual property of Kibo. This will keep random people from >commercially exploiting your ideas, because they won't be >YOUR ideas any more! It's THAT SIMPLE. STREAMLINE EVERYTHING! > >******** HAPPYNET: A BLAST TO LIGHT OUR GLOWING FUTURE! ******** > >HappyNet as currently implemented is just one communications medium. >But this will blast our way into the foundation of the future: >Eventually, HappyNet will be expanded to replace the other >`conventional' media, such as newspapers, television, radio, standup >comedy, and sex. .signatures will be sixty-second commercials. Alt.sex >(bozo.alt.sex) will be interactive and finally worth reading. > >A PBS series, "Great RFCs, Past and Present" will be filmed to replace >the boring old text RFCs. A Fox series, hosted by Dr. Ruth Westheimer, >will replace "Emily Postnews". > >The Sony Walkman will become obsolete thanks to the Sony rnman. The >instructions will be on a separate device, the Sony manman. > >Once everyone in the world is hooked into the giant HappyNet neural >network and their brains merge into one gigantic community of mind >(with an IQ well over THREE HUNDRED!), local events will be instantly >communicated everywhere in the world. For example, people in Sri Lanka >will be able to INSTANTLY receive dozens of "Hey, we're having a minor >earthquake here in San Francisco RIGHT NOW!" postings INSTANTLY, instead >of having to wait weeks. Rumors of such important events as DeForest >Kelley's death will also propagate instantly, but this is not really >a drawback: it enables the NSPF to detect them and snuff them out faster! > >HappyNet is an important part of this well-balanced future. In fact, >it is the ONLY part. Without HappyNet, there could be no future. >Usenet paves the road to misery and ruin with its cascades, cross-posts, >flame wars, forgeries, and .signature viruses. HappyNet does not pave >this road--where it's going, we don't NEED roads! HappyNet bravely >journeys into an unknown, but not unpleasant future. Everyone WILL >be happy, happier than human beings can possibly be. > >Although it will take HappyNet months, maybe years, to improve all >areas of daily existence in all possible ways, it will be obvious to >the most casual reader that HappyNet is better than Usenet. >Those who aren't casual readers--well, they will come to agree. >In time, they will even love me. In fact, soon they will beg to >love me! But I, Leader Kibo, want only the best for everyone. >After all, I am one of the readers of Usenet, so I can make the >readers of Usenet happy by making me happy FIRST. DEATH TO USENET! >LONG LIVE HAPPYNET! TO THE MOON! > >********* HAPPYNET: YOU CONTROL HOW IT CONTROLS YOU ********* >