My email addresses have been public for years - almost three decades actually. I'm not anyone important, but spammers don't give a damn. They just want someone to send to.

On a lark, boy #2 and I went digging through my saved spam folder. (I don't outsource spam detection to gmail, no, I run spamassassin and other stuff right here in the house. google delenda est.) We came across this darling of a post:

Subject: Your immediate response is required if you are alive

Whoa, what a hook! I had to investigate immediately - well, four months after receiving it:

Dear Client,

Please confirm if you are still alive because two gentle men
walked into my office this morning to claim your inheritance
funds with our bank. They said that you are dead and that they
are your
representative. I got your email from the file of your relative
who is yet to be paid for the Contract he has executed before his
death several years ago.You the beneficiary of this fund has
not been in contact with the bank to claim your fund. The
gentlemen submitted an address where they want your VISA DEBIT
ATM CARD sent.

If you are still alive, please indicate by sending your full
contact details within 7 day of receiving this message, faliure
to do so, I will send the card to the address submitted by your



Derek, if you're still out there, you can REST EASY! I am indeed alive. All of my relatives are alive. All of my ancestors are alive. There is no one in my entire family history, going right back to the primordial slime creature in the volcano-lake of Gumzablobia who is not hiding somewhere on our property, in deep freeze.

So, sorry, better luck next time with a mere mortal, Derek.