My Tim Hortons gift card is looking for a new owner.

Reason for disposal: Change of diet. Specifically, as of four days ago, the house brats and the house woman have insisted that I should not drink coffee any more. I never drank very much (3 cups/day max.), but they have decided that it is not good for me, and that’s that. I have shown excellent restraint in the mean time. I hardly ever emit the zombie moans of “Timmuh!” – with arms reaching toward the store – every time we drive past one. Or rather, every such emission is drowned out by a chorus of voices yelling “You can’t have any” or “Just drink fruit tea!”. They delight in crushing my dreams. I adore my family, so I must be mad.

Disclosure: This card has $0.00 economic value. It is of entertainment value only, if that.

Clarification: I am well aware that Tim Hortons sells products other than coffee. However, I do not possess the simply superhuman aplomb required to not order the brown goo of life, the black slop of power, the pale yellow vanilla-flavoured happiness juice, or the milky white sludge of energy, if I were to ever set foot in the store.